Painful Nostalgia

I miss the sweet way my ex was affectionate: our MWUAHs, being his baby girl; I know I will find something better. But all I wanted was him. Really truly. But he turned out to not be reliable, not someone I could count on to, spend the rest of my life with. Oh how it hurts sometimes. :( Its getting better, but oh baby I miss our sweet, sweet beginnings....

I Don't Understand

 I've been thinking, as much as I try not to, over the last couple of days about how my ex just gave up.  Marriage is about commitment, but he just didn't try to make it work. I gave it everything; I keep reading about how marriage is bigger than just being together, its a covenant, commitment, and you work at it because part of what you promised was that walking away wasn't an option after making such serious promises. I'm really a little burned now. Trust is gonna come slow next time...I hate this, I hate that I wanted to be married ONCE, and that it didn't last, that it feels like I failed, even though we've both acknowledged I'm not at fault. I hate hurting, I hate reliving it all in my mind. *sigh*

A New Life

So I am on my own again. Currently I'm living with my wonderful mother (moms are truly angels!). I am still trying to believe in happily ever now, it just looks a little different now. I still have so much to be grateful for in my life, and so much to give. I am continually blessed with incredible friends, opportunities to serve, and chances to grow. I am hoping to get a little better at this blogging thing, and using it as a place to share my thoughts and insights, my blessings and joys in life.

Behold God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation. (Isaiah 12:2, 2 Nephi 22:2)

Rejoice!

My husband and I are working things out! I am so thrilled. It is all I have been praying for, and many of my friends as well. Our God is truly a great God, and he does answer our prayers. :D

So to celebrate and strengthen this wonderful endeavor, I am going to participate in Women Living Well's Completing Him Challenge - Be the woman your man needs.

This weeks challenge is simple- announce that I am doing it! I like that- intention is the first step. I am intent on strengthening my marriage- stating my goal makes it more real. I am so glad my husband had a change of heart. I am so proud of him. I even bought a shirt to wear the first time we get to see each other when I fly home from school next week. The shirt is from the Union28 store, and says My Husband Rocks. And he does, for giving our marriage a second chance! Ooh, and a THREE DOLLAR pair of spanking new jeans!

So stay tuned in for how I learn to "complete" my awesome man!

He forgot

So I went back and reread an email from when I was engaged and (ex)hubby was deployed. He was telling the story of our relationship: "I'll never forget that I won, and I will never forgot that Cheerio likes me better, and that I'm cuter... I will never forget a summer spent in a hammock, no ma'am." But he did. He forgot of all this and just moved on. And even if I will be better off and happier with the next guy, this hurts so much!!!!!

...He asked for a divorce...and I just wanna scream. I am doing ok, making plans. But all I want, really, is to FIX THIS. I can't, its out of my control. And that's hard for me.

Realization

I think I let myself disappear into being his wife, losing a piece of me, and maybe pushed him away. My goal this deployment is to be me. To really find my independence so we can develop a healthier interdependence when he gets home. Wow. I wanted a perfect marriage so bad that I endangered it by not being myself. Not all the time, but enough. Wow. OK. New beginning.