Rethink

After reading the lovely comments from my sisters of Soli Deo Gloria, I have rethought yesterday's post. I called it a false assumption that I was waiting for real life to begin. I think maybe I was being given a much needed time out. I think that the waiting time, as frustrating as it was in the moment, was a grace from God, because maybe I wasn't ready to be fully engaged. Heartbreak is all-consuming. It still consumes me sometimes.

So I don't think so much that I am shedding a layer of false assumption, as much as I am shedding a layer of protection that I no longer need. God is telling me I am ready to full engage, to feel like real life is here again.

I am still not exactly where I'd like to be, but I am in a good place. I have good friends, and wonderful family who bless me and whom I have the chance to bless in return. I have a good, if challenging, job that is affording me the ability to pay off a credit card. It is temporary, which is affording me the chance to find a more stable position. God's hand is truly visible in every aspect of my life.

 I am going to really practice the art of intentional living from here on out, living in hope and gratitude and grace.

photo credit

Is This Me?

In high school and college, I rarely wore any makeup or did anything uch with my hair. Exceptions were usually special occasions, like dances. Now I wear make-up more often than not, and take time with my hair. I like it, but I don't like being higher maitence than I used to be. I guess we all change, though.

Part of the reason I started wearing make-up was the big bags I was getting under my eyes from not sleeping well. After getting cover-up, foundation just followed. Another part was switching to contacts after wearing glasses since second grade. I started wearing mascara after that. And then I saw a neat post on how to enhance curly hair, and I started doing that. And liked it. So yeah, my beauty routine has changed. It just happened, and I do like it. Others around me notice that I wear make-up, and ask why, or who am I trying to impress. Uh, because I want to, and nobody, I just felt like it. And those are the best reasons, I think. So maybe, I take longer to get ready, but it does make me feel good about myself, and I'm ok with a little extra care. I don't need it to feel good, it just helps.

What does your beauty routine look like, and how has changed recently?

Not My Favorite Holiday Plus Some Extra Love for SDG Sisters

This day last year my whole world got turned upside down. I had a good cry over that this morning. So lets just say I really don't like Valentine's Day right now. But I had a pretty good day regardless. I just sometimes wish I could rewrite last year, at least parts of it. I've learned lessons and grown a lot, but did I really have to do it the hard way? Watching my marriage go through the blender? NOT FUN. *lump growing in my throat*

I also want to say just how much I love being a part of the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood. It's a been a real blessing, receiving and giving love. I really look forward to Mondays/Tuesdays because of you ladies. So here's wishing you all a wonderful Valentine's Day with all my love.

Beauty

Last night I was in kind of a funk. At one point, I found myself in front of a mirror, after using the restroom. I was washing my hands and looked up at the mirror and started to pick out all of the flaws I saw. My hair was falling out of its braid, I looked tired, my pores were huge from eyebrow plucking. But then I realized what I was doing, and stopped. I smiled at myself and imagined there was a Operation Beautiful note posted on that mirror. One that said something like "Smile, you are beautiful". It made a big difference in the way I saw myself, and in my mood.

It surprised me that I had even started to pick out my "flaws". I'm not usually hyper-critical about my appearance. I enjoy wearing make-up, doing my hair, and picking out a cute outfit, but I know that my self-worth does not even come close to relying on my appearance. I'll put the self-criticism down to the fact that I was a little over-tired, and in a funk. I am so glad I could remember the messages from Operation Beautiful's blog, and pull myself away from the self-critical, damaging thoughts. I think that site is a great reminder that all women, all people, need to be less self-critical.

I also like the movement Own Your Beauty, that challenges us to accept ourselves for who we are. It doesn't mean we can't be better, but it does mean we shouldn't allow ourselves to be our own harshest critics. These are great lessons to remember, and apply to other areas in our lives outside of physical appearance, like in fulfilling our responsibilities, our dreams. We must reach towards our dreams, fulfill our responsibilities, but we should not expect ourselves to do better than our very best, which I think sometimes we do. or at least I do.

(cheesing with my roommate freshman year)

How do you remember to be true to yourself and not be your own harshest critic?

Shattered Heart, Meet Your Healer

Healing is a process, and it doesn't help the process when the door is not completely shut or open. This separation with the intent to divorce feels like a revolving door sometimes, where for a stretch of time,  I will be healing and recovering just fine, and then one little thing will send me shooting back to down to the depths of rejection and hurt. My favorite little moment, to add on to quite a few lately, is my estranged husband using the lame lame line that maybe some people just make better friends than lovers. Twist that knife, sweetheart.

What keeps me going, even when I am in searing pain, is my faith. I know that my God can heal this, will heal this. That when all is said and done, I will be whole because God gave me a Savior. My job is to turn all this hurt over to Him (Matt 11:28-30), to hope in Him (1 Pet 1:18-21). As long as I keep my focus on my Savior, nothing can go permanently wrong (Howard W Hunter, BYU Devotional, 3/14/89, paragraph 9). Pray with me that I can follow my Savior completely and wholly, holding nothing back, that I will listen and obey even if it seems hard or inconvenient.

Struggling to Find My Way to Coherent

I have been trying for a couple of days now to write a coherent post to share all that is going through my mind. I wanted to write a post to introduce myself a little more. I wanted to explain why I chose hope. I wanted to share the way my divorce pulls my heart into a thousand pieces time and time and time again. Yet I cannot string together a decent post no matter how hard I try. And I usually am pretty good at writing.

To introduce myself, I will say that I like to be honest about my struggles, about my life. My name is Rachel, I am almost 23 years old. I am the oldest of 7, counting my 3 biological siblings and my 3 step-siblings and me. I have three great parents, my mom, my dad, and my step-mom. My parents divorced when I was about 15, and now a little less than 10 years later, I am going through my own divorce. If I had the chance to write a letter to me at 13, I wouldn't. At least not until I have some more positive stuff to say. Oh hey, hon, your parents are about to divorce, and in 10 years, you'll be going through your own. Oh, and you did graduate from college. Yeah, that is not a big enough achievement to overshadow all the negative, not to a 13-year-old at least, who can barely breathe through all the new hormones in her system.

So, that's why I chose hope, because I have to have hope that my life will get better, or I might just go crazy. I do have a wonderful family, and I do love my dad's new family, I am basically recovered from my parents divorce; I have Christ in my life through my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; I am a college grad. I have a lot going for me, and I don't forget that. But the pain of a divorce is monumental, and overwhelming some days.  But I do truly have hope that my afflictions shall be but a small moment (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7)

Was this maybe too honest, too raw? You tell me. Tomorrow, I'll post 5 fun facts about me to lighten the mood.