Found...one old poem of mine that I'm going to share here. I think I must have written it in high school, probably freshman year....
heaven help us
losing ground
not without a fuss
where is my peace found
ever looking upward
feeling scared and lost
ever looking forward
sick of being tossed.
I wish I remembered the exact context, what I was feeling when I wrote this. If I had to guess, it was a mix of my parents' divorce and trying to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
As of Late December
I actually have a few spare moments so here I blog! I'm gonna join Critty Joy's monthly As of Late party tonight, I've missed it quite a few times.
Lately, I have been working hard...or not so hard really. I just had the "I'm sorry I haven't been giving my best, but I plan to" conversation with my boss. It's a pretty humbling conversation.
Lately, I have been called to work with the Young Women in my ward (congregation). There are eight of them, and I love them so much. We have done great service-oriented activities for Christmas.
Lately, the happy bookaholic discovered how to get library books on her Droid. Seriously dangerous, friends.
Lately, I've been hanging around with friends who inspire me to be better, because they are so good to me and others.
Lately, my church scripture class, Institute, we call it, has really been inspiring me to be true to the best within me.
Lately, I got training to do business travel :) It would only be 2 trips a year, if that, but still neat!
Lately, life is pretty good!
Merry Christmas to all! May the peace of the season be unto you and yours!
Lately, I have been working hard...or not so hard really. I just had the "I'm sorry I haven't been giving my best, but I plan to" conversation with my boss. It's a pretty humbling conversation.
Lately, I have been called to work with the Young Women in my ward (congregation). There are eight of them, and I love them so much. We have done great service-oriented activities for Christmas.
Lately, the happy bookaholic discovered how to get library books on her Droid. Seriously dangerous, friends.
Lately, I've been hanging around with friends who inspire me to be better, because they are so good to me and others.
Lately, my church scripture class, Institute, we call it, has really been inspiring me to be true to the best within me.
Lately, I got training to do business travel :) It would only be 2 trips a year, if that, but still neat!
Lately, life is pretty good!
Merry Christmas to all! May the peace of the season be unto you and yours!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Stupid Facebook Games
I waste a lot of time on Facebook, playing silly games where you run out of energy. If I run out of energy in one game, I switch to another game where I do have energy. Eventually I run out of energy in all the games, which leaves me frustrated. I have to laugh at myself for getting frustrated, because they are just games. And what a colossal waste of my time they can be. Sometimes they help me decompress after work, but I definitely play them to excess.
I can think of much better uses of my time: reading my scriptures, reading a good book, even blogging. Because blogging at least is an excercise in writing, something I definitely want to do more of. I haven't been writing enough lately. I used to write constantly in high school. I'd write stories, write in my journal. I don't even know where my journal is right now. Sad, huh?
I got a new notebook at work today. It is a cute little notebook and I'd much rather fill it with stories then use it for work. But alas, it is a work notebook, but I did do a little creative writing on the first page. :)
I do love typing out words. Maybe every so often instead of playing too many foolish Facebook games, I will come over and write a blog post. Until next time!
I can think of much better uses of my time: reading my scriptures, reading a good book, even blogging. Because blogging at least is an excercise in writing, something I definitely want to do more of. I haven't been writing enough lately. I used to write constantly in high school. I'd write stories, write in my journal. I don't even know where my journal is right now. Sad, huh?
I got a new notebook at work today. It is a cute little notebook and I'd much rather fill it with stories then use it for work. But alas, it is a work notebook, but I did do a little creative writing on the first page. :)
I do love typing out words. Maybe every so often instead of playing too many foolish Facebook games, I will come over and write a blog post. Until next time!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Beautiful Breeze
Lying in bed sick all day gets old after a while. Hot, too. So I popped out of bed, opened the window, and sat in the chair beneath the open window. This lovely fall breeze is wafting across my shoulders and bringing in wonderful fall smells, including the woodfire someone just lit. Mmm.
I was sitting here reading a beautiful address from one of my church leaders, Forget Me Not from President Dieter F. Uctdorf ( Ensign, Nov. 2011). He makes five beautiful points: 1) Forget not to be patient with yourself, 2) Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice, 3) Forget not to be happy now, 4) Forget not the "why" of the gospel, and 5) Forget not that the Lord loves you.
Tonight I especially needed the reminder to forget not to be patient with myself. I make the same mistake over and over again sometimes, and it wonderful to be reminded that the Lord does not expect me to be perfect right now,but that it is a process that He is helping me with.
As I was reading and feeling the soft breeze on my arms, I hear a whisper, " My love is in the wind". My loving Heavenly Father reminded me this weekend that when I am following Him, I am home. How I crave the feeling of being home, and since the divorce I have felt often that I don't have a home, at least not one of my own making. His kind, gentle reminder that home is with Him was, and is, so marvelous.
I was sitting here reading a beautiful address from one of my church leaders, Forget Me Not from President Dieter F. Uctdorf ( Ensign, Nov. 2011). He makes five beautiful points: 1) Forget not to be patient with yourself, 2) Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice, 3) Forget not to be happy now, 4) Forget not the "why" of the gospel, and 5) Forget not that the Lord loves you.
Tonight I especially needed the reminder to forget not to be patient with myself. I make the same mistake over and over again sometimes, and it wonderful to be reminded that the Lord does not expect me to be perfect right now,but that it is a process that He is helping me with.
As I was reading and feeling the soft breeze on my arms, I hear a whisper, " My love is in the wind". My loving Heavenly Father reminded me this weekend that when I am following Him, I am home. How I crave the feeling of being home, and since the divorce I have felt often that I don't have a home, at least not one of my own making. His kind, gentle reminder that home is with Him was, and is, so marvelous.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Countdowns
In long distance relationships, countdowns are big. I remember counting down the days until I'd see my love again, sometimes starting at a number as big as 7 months. It was always so sweet to see him again after long long waits.
Now I'm facing a very different countdown. I have been counting down to our divorce date. 6 sleeps, 5 days. It is so very bittersweet. I hate that it went this way, that it had to end. But have to end it did. He just wasted every chance I gave him, about 4 in all. A very valiant effort, as my cousin said lately. And now it's over. And I will be glad to be free to move on with my life.
Oh, beautiful boy, how we crashed and burned. Love you, still, but you can't have my heart anymore... And sometimes, I think I'm in love only with who I thought he was...but no, I loved him, faults and all.
Here comes goodbye, and hello to the rest of my life.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
 |
| found at weheartit |
I love this image, I love the excitement on her face, the light coming from the box. The words say just what is in my heart. Yes, I have been through something horrible, but it will not make me bitter. I do believe in love and marriage; I am open to the blessings that the Lord will pour out upon me as I seek His face. I have been so abundantly blessed by the Lord as my divorce has unfolded that I just know He has something AMAZING waiting for me when the time is right. He is already blessing me with amazing opportunities and friends each and every day that passes.
My testimony that marriage is ordained by God has not been strangled by my divorce, thanks in part to a wonderful friend who asked me to look on the bright side. I know that marriage is a part of God's plan for us, that we learn things in marriage that we couldn't learn anywhere else. I also believe that those faithful men and women who do not find someone to share their lives with here on earth will be given that chance in the next life; because I believe that marriage is not just for this life, but for time and all eternity. I am so grateful to have the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in my life to teach me such beautiful doctrines.
God is ever faithful, friends, He loves His children with an all-consuming love, and He will never leave us comfortless. All things we go through give us experience, and He will bless us as long as we ever seek Him.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
September Already!!
Wow, I can't believe that summer 2011 is pretty much over. It was a pretty good summer. I settled into a job that I love, and made some great new friends. I found some new freedom, and faced some hearty challenges, too.
One more month and my divorce should be final. I am so glad it is almost over, and hate that my marriage is almost over. I hate that it ended this way, but knew it could go no other way. So I am relieved to almost be free to go on and make the rest of my life beautiful with God still and always in my corner. My hope in a better future is bright!
My goal for this fall is to establish some real financial security and to grow closer to God. I have set smaller goals to help me accomplish each.
I also need to work on my control issues and my impatience. My car troubles continue, the glitches with my used car that I just bought keep piling up. I was crying in frustration today. I just want my car!!!! I must really need patience for something in the future, because it feels like it is being tested to its limits these days.
What are your fall goals?
One more month and my divorce should be final. I am so glad it is almost over, and hate that my marriage is almost over. I hate that it ended this way, but knew it could go no other way. So I am relieved to almost be free to go on and make the rest of my life beautiful with God still and always in my corner. My hope in a better future is bright!
My goal for this fall is to establish some real financial security and to grow closer to God. I have set smaller goals to help me accomplish each.
I also need to work on my control issues and my impatience. My car troubles continue, the glitches with my used car that I just bought keep piling up. I was crying in frustration today. I just want my car!!!! I must really need patience for something in the future, because it feels like it is being tested to its limits these days.
What are your fall goals?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Perspective
I got some unwanted perspective inserted into my pity party today.
So as the court date for my divorce draws near, there is more and more contact with my ex-husband, and it is ripping me apart all over again. Then my car does not pass state inspection and has to go back to the dealership for some repairs, leaving me out a car three days instead of one. I am just one unhappy camper.
I decide I am gonna buy headphones because I was planning on replacing my slightly broken ones anyways and I couldn't go one more minute without music. And it hits me that I can just spring for $10 headphones, no problem. I can buy food whenever I need it. I have a job that pays me enough to live on and own a car. I am so blessed...when all I wanted to do was throw a pity party.
I have a life that is stable, when my sister's life plans just got tossed into the air; I have a car, when if my brother doesn't get one, he has to choose between work and school. More perspective. That I just didn't want.
I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who blesses me so abundantly. Even when all seems to be going wrong, He is in the midst of it all, He is before me and behind me. And He understands that divorce hurts bad, and that the loss of my car is about feeling like a burden, not just being inconvenienced. He understands, but He doesn't let me wallow. He is a wise, merciful God and I am so blessed to be secure in the knowledge that I am his daughter.
Happy Tuesday, SDG sisters!
So as the court date for my divorce draws near, there is more and more contact with my ex-husband, and it is ripping me apart all over again. Then my car does not pass state inspection and has to go back to the dealership for some repairs, leaving me out a car three days instead of one. I am just one unhappy camper.
I decide I am gonna buy headphones because I was planning on replacing my slightly broken ones anyways and I couldn't go one more minute without music. And it hits me that I can just spring for $10 headphones, no problem. I can buy food whenever I need it. I have a job that pays me enough to live on and own a car. I am so blessed...when all I wanted to do was throw a pity party.
I have a life that is stable, when my sister's life plans just got tossed into the air; I have a car, when if my brother doesn't get one, he has to choose between work and school. More perspective. That I just didn't want.
I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who blesses me so abundantly. Even when all seems to be going wrong, He is in the midst of it all, He is before me and behind me. And He understands that divorce hurts bad, and that the loss of my car is about feeling like a burden, not just being inconvenienced. He understands, but He doesn't let me wallow. He is a wise, merciful God and I am so blessed to be secure in the knowledge that I am his daughter.
Happy Tuesday, SDG sisters!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Finding Satisfaction.
I am happy with parts of my life, and a little less than content with other parts, and wholly unsatisfied with others. I like my job, I love that I bought a car last Saturday. I like the friends I have made in this area and the time I get to spend with my best friends. I am ok living with my aunt, I would rather have a place of my own, but my bedroom here is pretty sweet, so that's ok... I hate being single, I hate not having someone to sleep next to, to come home to. But it is just not the right time for that. I have so so much healing and recovering to do before I am whole enough to date again, let alone court and marry someone.
And maybe part of being whole again is being a little more satisfied with single life, with being alone. Being ok being by myself, enjoying it a little even. I do sometimes, and other times I just ache to be held. It's a hard hard thing after having been married to go without it again. Is it even possible to get back to loving single life? I never missed sleeping next to someone or coming home to someone before, obviously, but I never did like being single much. Maybe I need to learn how to do that at all.
The best part of my life has always been and will remain to be having the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. My membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is my whole life. I am completed by the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me and that He sent us a prophet at this time to guide us. I truly believe that the best way to find all around contentment in my life is to cling to my faith and trust that God has a plan.
Hope y'all can follow the rambling path of this post...
And maybe part of being whole again is being a little more satisfied with single life, with being alone. Being ok being by myself, enjoying it a little even. I do sometimes, and other times I just ache to be held. It's a hard hard thing after having been married to go without it again. Is it even possible to get back to loving single life? I never missed sleeping next to someone or coming home to someone before, obviously, but I never did like being single much. Maybe I need to learn how to do that at all.
The best part of my life has always been and will remain to be having the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. My membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is my whole life. I am completed by the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me and that He sent us a prophet at this time to guide us. I truly believe that the best way to find all around contentment in my life is to cling to my faith and trust that God has a plan.
Hope y'all can follow the rambling path of this post...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
So D**** Lost
(Back twice in one day!!!!) I was out tonight with some friends. We saw The Help, which was incredible, by the way. So funny, so sad, so powerful!!
After the movie, we drove home and first we dropped off the two sisters, which just left me with my best guy friend, someone I have known my whole life. We got to talking and my divorce came up, as it often does. He brought up a conversation he had with another old friend of ours, who I saw for the first time in several years this past Saturday. How I was unusally clingy, I guess, for not having seen him in some time. My friend (the one in the car with me) brought this up because I have been clingier with him this summer too. He was cautioning me to give myself time to regroup and really be myself before dating again, so I don't put myself in a situation with someone who isn't as good as these two guys, someone who could take advantage of my clinginess. What truth is in his words, no matter how much it hurts.
I didn't even realize I had seemed not myself to the other guy at the dance. I was just comfortable around him, which was nice because I wasn't comfortable being myself around my ex-husband for the last part of our marriage. I keep doing this and I hate that I make these people feel awkard. It is never my intent.
I just truly hate being alone. I like feeling independent, though, and I think I just need to focus on that for a while. As my mom has always taught me and my sister, the best thing you can bring to a marriage is a complete self. So I have to realize that I am still fragmented, and need to put myself back together before I can give my heart away again.
What a dark, lonely year this has seemed to be, and the healing process seems far from over. I am so grateful for my God, who has never let me be completely alone, who has been with me so completely, as I heal, and who continues to heal me daily. Who loved me enough to suffer all that he might know body and soul what this feels like (Alma 7:11-13)
Extra prayers would be welcome right now!
After the movie, we drove home and first we dropped off the two sisters, which just left me with my best guy friend, someone I have known my whole life. We got to talking and my divorce came up, as it often does. He brought up a conversation he had with another old friend of ours, who I saw for the first time in several years this past Saturday. How I was unusally clingy, I guess, for not having seen him in some time. My friend (the one in the car with me) brought this up because I have been clingier with him this summer too. He was cautioning me to give myself time to regroup and really be myself before dating again, so I don't put myself in a situation with someone who isn't as good as these two guys, someone who could take advantage of my clinginess. What truth is in his words, no matter how much it hurts.
I didn't even realize I had seemed not myself to the other guy at the dance. I was just comfortable around him, which was nice because I wasn't comfortable being myself around my ex-husband for the last part of our marriage. I keep doing this and I hate that I make these people feel awkard. It is never my intent.
I just truly hate being alone. I like feeling independent, though, and I think I just need to focus on that for a while. As my mom has always taught me and my sister, the best thing you can bring to a marriage is a complete self. So I have to realize that I am still fragmented, and need to put myself back together before I can give my heart away again.
What a dark, lonely year this has seemed to be, and the healing process seems far from over. I am so grateful for my God, who has never let me be completely alone, who has been with me so completely, as I heal, and who continues to heal me daily. Who loved me enough to suffer all that he might know body and soul what this feels like (Alma 7:11-13)
Extra prayers would be welcome right now!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Time Flies!
How is it already more than halfway through August????? I can't believe how fast time has flown by me lately. I have been busy with work and church and friends. I have also been busy dealing with stupid insurance companies after I was in an accident that totaled my car. Sad times. But I am physically fine, no harm done there. I am hoping to buy a car today, actually.
I miss blogging. I haven't felt the urge to blog like I used to. I just have been so busy. I also was without a computer for a good little while. But I bought a new one for a super good price and am being super duper nice to it! (I have this tendency to kill any and all electronics I touch....yeah..I think it may be genetic actually). I hope to get back into this, but I say that every time. Let's set a goal, put it in writing, to blog every Saturday morning, and go from there.
I am almost divorced, the papers are all signed and at the courthouse, all we are waiting on is a court date. Finally. Most days I am ok, some I still feel like screaming. And oh how easy it is to get lost in a memory. But I know that it had to go this way, and am glad to almost be single again. My friends are gonna throw me a welcome back to single life party afterward. Hehe.
So that's my summer, plus a beach trip or two, plus a trip to a LDS church historical place or two in Palmyra, NY. I also am writing a few LDS missionaries, my friend Matthew (sweetest kid ever!) and my lovely cousin Forreste. I love getting mail!
Oh, and I am a ward pianist for a Spanish-speaking LDS ward in the area. They have not a soul in their ward who can play, due to differences in cultural importance of musical talents. So I have been playing piano during three hours of church,Sacrament Meeting (the main meeting), Primary (the children's meeting), and Relief Society (the women's meeting). Luckily I love the piano. And its a great way to brush up on my super rusty not so fluent Spanish.
Happy weekend, y'all!
I miss blogging. I haven't felt the urge to blog like I used to. I just have been so busy. I also was without a computer for a good little while. But I bought a new one for a super good price and am being super duper nice to it! (I have this tendency to kill any and all electronics I touch....yeah..I think it may be genetic actually). I hope to get back into this, but I say that every time. Let's set a goal, put it in writing, to blog every Saturday morning, and go from there.
I am almost divorced, the papers are all signed and at the courthouse, all we are waiting on is a court date. Finally. Most days I am ok, some I still feel like screaming. And oh how easy it is to get lost in a memory. But I know that it had to go this way, and am glad to almost be single again. My friends are gonna throw me a welcome back to single life party afterward. Hehe.
So that's my summer, plus a beach trip or two, plus a trip to a LDS church historical place or two in Palmyra, NY. I also am writing a few LDS missionaries, my friend Matthew (sweetest kid ever!) and my lovely cousin Forreste. I love getting mail!
Oh, and I am a ward pianist for a Spanish-speaking LDS ward in the area. They have not a soul in their ward who can play, due to differences in cultural importance of musical talents. So I have been playing piano during three hours of church,Sacrament Meeting (the main meeting), Primary (the children's meeting), and Relief Society (the women's meeting). Luckily I love the piano. And its a great way to brush up on my super rusty not so fluent Spanish.
Happy weekend, y'all!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Can't Win For Losing
Beware the depressed tone of this post. I have a great job and a busy life, but sometimes it feels like the center is a spinning black hole. I have God, and I would be so lost without the grace provided by my Savior. But I miss having a someone to rely on. A person who is my world and I am theirs. I had a false start this weekend, false partly because I am still married for another like month and a half, and the guy is one of the most honorable men I know.
I hate all these false starts and missed opportunites. They sting so so much!
Also, I hang out with this great group of singles. But I get left to the side of all the flirting and the pairing off. I hate that also. It is just so hard some days to be stuck in this no man's land of life right before divorce. It is killing me. It is almost over, thanks be to God, but it can't seem to end soon enough. Apparently, I have yet to learn patience.
I just have to keep reminding myself, that when the time is right, it will happen. I just hate all the missed opportunities in the meanwhile. They are supposed to be missed, but they are still mourned for all the good qualities each man I walk away from has. Ohhhhh , ohhh, ohh.
Someone save me!!!
I hate all these false starts and missed opportunites. They sting so so much!
Also, I hang out with this great group of singles. But I get left to the side of all the flirting and the pairing off. I hate that also. It is just so hard some days to be stuck in this no man's land of life right before divorce. It is killing me. It is almost over, thanks be to God, but it can't seem to end soon enough. Apparently, I have yet to learn patience.
I just have to keep reminding myself, that when the time is right, it will happen. I just hate all the missed opportunities in the meanwhile. They are supposed to be missed, but they are still mourned for all the good qualities each man I walk away from has. Ohhhhh , ohhh, ohh.
Someone save me!!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Go Go Go
Ever since I moved up here for my job, I have been going going going. I go to work 5 times a week, and then I have lots of activities. This week I have not been home much at all. I had church activities Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday I went to the movies with my cousins. Tonight I have a party to go to and tomorrow my family is going to Antietam Battlefield for picnicing, a concert, and, of course, fireworks.
I love this. I love being on the go, and being with friends and family. I don't think my ex would even recognize this side of me, since when we were married, I had no license and was pratically trapped in the house. (Don't get me wrong, that was never his intention, he was not even that abusive. I just had never gotten a license and we ended up in an area without public transportation). They say the best revenge is living well!
So I am off to enjoy my busyness, and hopefully not lose my voice completely (its cracking like crazy right now).
I love this. I love being on the go, and being with friends and family. I don't think my ex would even recognize this side of me, since when we were married, I had no license and was pratically trapped in the house. (Don't get me wrong, that was never his intention, he was not even that abusive. I just had never gotten a license and we ended up in an area without public transportation). They say the best revenge is living well!
So I am off to enjoy my busyness, and hopefully not lose my voice completely (its cracking like crazy right now).
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Headache Ramblings
I went to a Church class tonight. I love having a weekly scripture study class to attend. Down at my mom's I went on Thursdays, up here it is Tuesdays. Whatever day, it always brightens my week.
Tonight I have a massive headache and after class ended I was a little wobbly on my feet. The teacher suggested I find someone to help me get home. So one of my friends drove my car home and his sister followed us in their car. It was so very very nice of them, especially since I need my car in the morning. Oh how I hope this headache is gone by then.
I really miss blogging. I miss the insights that come from writing out my thoughts. I miss the catharsis, too. Hopefully, I can fit it back into my schedule now that I am getting into the groove of this working thang. Which I happen to like a lot. I like the job I have, I like my co-workers, and the whole paycheck thing is pretty nice too.
Soon, but not soon enough, my divorce will be final, probably not until September at this point. I am so ready to get on with my life. It is happening very slowly, though. I'm postive, however, that God is in control, and is working behind the scenes to make it all perfect. He's a great God, my God. :) (See, insights from writing!) Timing is God's speciality, and He will show me the reason for all this waiting someday.
Ok, I must sleep now. Goodnight, all!
Tonight I have a massive headache and after class ended I was a little wobbly on my feet. The teacher suggested I find someone to help me get home. So one of my friends drove my car home and his sister followed us in their car. It was so very very nice of them, especially since I need my car in the morning. Oh how I hope this headache is gone by then.
I really miss blogging. I miss the insights that come from writing out my thoughts. I miss the catharsis, too. Hopefully, I can fit it back into my schedule now that I am getting into the groove of this working thang. Which I happen to like a lot. I like the job I have, I like my co-workers, and the whole paycheck thing is pretty nice too.
Soon, but not soon enough, my divorce will be final, probably not until September at this point. I am so ready to get on with my life. It is happening very slowly, though. I'm postive, however, that God is in control, and is working behind the scenes to make it all perfect. He's a great God, my God. :) (See, insights from writing!) Timing is God's speciality, and He will show me the reason for all this waiting someday.
Ok, I must sleep now. Goodnight, all!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
As of Late June 2011
As of late, I have not been blogging much because:
Lately, I have moved north an hour or so.
Lately, I started a new job, that comes with my own cubicle, phone extension, and most importantly, my own paycheck!
Lately, I have been really enjoying my new job.
Lately, I have made some great new friends.
Lately, I may have gotten my first speeding ticket via speed camera. Yuck!
Lately, I have been buzzing around to church activities like a social butterfly.
Lately, my awesome computer stuff, like blogging, and Goodreads, and weheartit, have been sadly neglected.
Because, lately, my own computer died and I have been using my aunt's.
And, lately, my divorce is almost final.
Hope y'all are having a wonderful June! Can you believe we are more than halfway through the halfway month of the year???
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Busy Busy Busy
Well, I have started my new job. And I love it! It is very intense but fulfilling. I also have been hanging out with an awesome group of singles from my church. There is something almost every day of the week sometimes. And I love that too. But combined it all leaves me very tired. I like how my cousin sees it - that I am making the best of my life and she is proud of me. :)
It is very nice to be busy, fulfilling too. I love having a job I love and an active social life. I do miss my blogging though. Hopefully I will soon get into a groove that will allow me to fit in my blogging time. I miss it. It always helps me think things through better.
Have a great week, y'all! (oh the southern md in me!)
It is very nice to be busy, fulfilling too. I love having a job I love and an active social life. I do miss my blogging though. Hopefully I will soon get into a groove that will allow me to fit in my blogging time. I miss it. It always helps me think things through better.
Have a great week, y'all! (oh the southern md in me!)
Friday, May 27, 2011
Mourning Period?
I keep seeing the idea floated around that it takes half the duration of a relationship to heal from it. I don't know if I like that. That would be a year and half, at least, to heal from my 3 year or so relationship. That just seems so long!
I feel better some days, but then I see a brief email from my ex and I lose it. How did our beautiful romance break down into absolute nothingness? It kills me!! I hate hurting, and just want to be done. I want to be able to say I have moved on.
But I guess it doesn't work quite that way, huh?
The Story of Us by Taylor Swift does a good job of expressing how I feel sometimes. How it started so beautifully and broke down to tragedy...
I feel better some days, but then I see a brief email from my ex and I lose it. How did our beautiful romance break down into absolute nothingness? It kills me!! I hate hurting, and just want to be done. I want to be able to say I have moved on.
But I guess it doesn't work quite that way, huh?
The Story of Us by Taylor Swift does a good job of expressing how I feel sometimes. How it started so beautifully and broke down to tragedy...
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Live More Intentionally
I keep doing these long disappearing acts. This time there are two reasons. One, my laptop up and died on me. Sadness! Luckily my aunt doesn't really use hers, so I am borrowing it until I can afford to buy a new one. Which leads me to reason number two: the start date of my job was delayed and I have been living very much minute to minute in the meanwhile.
I've just been floating around: reading, playing Facebook games, and doing the occasional babysitting job. I spend time with my fun roommates and watch TV series on DVD. I went sailing this past weekend with friends and family, it was an incredible day. That felt a little more intentional because I'd been looking forward to it for months. Other than that my days are spent very aimlessly.
And it is beginning to drive me crazy. I want to live much more intentionally. I want to have a bit more purpose. I have tried exercising every day, and suceeded once. But someone sleeps on the couch in the room with the ellipitical and sleeps until like 1 pm. It makes it hard to exercise first thing. But I talked to my aunt (who doubles as my landlady) and we are doing some rearranging so that won't be a problem.
And then work starts next week, and I have a ton of activities after work next week as well. That will be the biggest help. And for tonight, I am gonna go play frisbee with some young single adults in my area. That should be fun!
Thanks for putting up with my rambling. Hopefully part of living more intentionally will be getting back into this blogging thing, cuz I miss it!
Happy Wednesday, y'all!
I've just been floating around: reading, playing Facebook games, and doing the occasional babysitting job. I spend time with my fun roommates and watch TV series on DVD. I went sailing this past weekend with friends and family, it was an incredible day. That felt a little more intentional because I'd been looking forward to it for months. Other than that my days are spent very aimlessly.
And it is beginning to drive me crazy. I want to live much more intentionally. I want to have a bit more purpose. I have tried exercising every day, and suceeded once. But someone sleeps on the couch in the room with the ellipitical and sleeps until like 1 pm. It makes it hard to exercise first thing. But I talked to my aunt (who doubles as my landlady) and we are doing some rearranging so that won't be a problem.
And then work starts next week, and I have a ton of activities after work next week as well. That will be the biggest help. And for tonight, I am gonna go play frisbee with some young single adults in my area. That should be fun!
Thanks for putting up with my rambling. Hopefully part of living more intentionally will be getting back into this blogging thing, cuz I miss it!
Happy Wednesday, y'all!
Monday, May 9, 2011
A Little Like Flying
Today's FB status: "Rachy" finally feels like everything is going right. I am so happy and so ready to start a new chapter in my life on a clean slate.
I am just feeling good. I have moved a hour or so north to be closer to the job that I start this week. I moved up here just in time for the opening social for the church class up here (love when timing works out that well!). Plus the area I'm living in is chock full of cool places to explore. And I'm just feeling lighter.
I will try to be more regular about blogging. I know I've kinda fallen off the wagon. But I'm back (I hope).
Love to my SDG sisters on this beautiful Monday!
I am just feeling good. I have moved a hour or so north to be closer to the job that I start this week. I moved up here just in time for the opening social for the church class up here (love when timing works out that well!). Plus the area I'm living in is chock full of cool places to explore. And I'm just feeling lighter.
I will try to be more regular about blogging. I know I've kinda fallen off the wagon. But I'm back (I hope).
Love to my SDG sisters on this beautiful Monday!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Hurting Still
I'm so ready to be done hurting. I am so ready to be able to breathe freely again. But I know that all things happen in God's timing, not mine. I know what it feels like when God lifts a burden, and trust that he will lift this one, but it can't come soon enough.
I still love my ex very much, and wish he weren't so broken. I wish we could fix this, but know we can't. I know that something very good will come out of all this, that no experience is wasted. But does it have to hurt so so much?
I just HURT!
Linking up with Jen.
I still love my ex very much, and wish he weren't so broken. I wish we could fix this, but know we can't. I know that something very good will come out of all this, that no experience is wasted. But does it have to hurt so so much?
I just HURT!
Linking up with Jen.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday Will Come
A beautiful Easter message given in a soothing tone. You are missed, Elder Wirthlin. Thank you for the reminder that Sunday will always come!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Talking It Out
I still feel so hurt sometimes, angry, sad, and abandoned. I feel like my husband just gave up, just walked away, which he did. The rejection and abandonment hurt so much. I am starting to see my future for what it is: bright and full of possibility, but I still feel just so empty sometimes. I am just grateful for a wonderful loving support system of friends and family. Most especially I am grateful for my God.
I know that God will never ever abandon me or reject me. I may reject him but he will NEVER reject me. It is wonderful to be loved by a perfect, loving, compassionate Being. That love He offers me will fill all the empty places inside of me.
I am also grateful for my belief that families can be forever. That if we make and keep covenants with God, our familial associations can be perpetuated beyond the grave. That we can link ourselves to generations past and future and nothing save personal wickedness can sever those links. What an incredible blessing. Marriage and family cease to be til death do us part when we are married in God's temples and stay faithful to those covenants. I love that promise!
Linking up with Jen.
I know that God will never ever abandon me or reject me. I may reject him but he will NEVER reject me. It is wonderful to be loved by a perfect, loving, compassionate Being. That love He offers me will fill all the empty places inside of me.
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| temple in Tokyo |
I am also grateful for my belief that families can be forever. That if we make and keep covenants with God, our familial associations can be perpetuated beyond the grave. That we can link ourselves to generations past and future and nothing save personal wickedness can sever those links. What an incredible blessing. Marriage and family cease to be til death do us part when we are married in God's temples and stay faithful to those covenants. I love that promise!
Linking up with Jen.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wow! The Memories!
My best friend just found the neatest thing: a livejournal that she and I shared for like two and a half years. It is full of all sorts of memories: school, achievements, boys (of course!). It is just so much fun to look at!
We kept it very much as a daily record of what was going on in our lives. It was our way of keeping up with each other. Very different from the style of this blog, which is much more of an emotional record than a record of my daily activities. I like both styles, and might begin to to blend them a little more here.
I went to the closest military base alone for the first time today. It was an extremely bittersweet first. I love being able to go places and do things on my own, but this just felt somewhat wrong. Like I should be there with my military spouse, but I'm not....I'm just using the privileges until I lose them when the divorce is finalized....Life took such a funny turn. Good thing I know God's in control.
Happy Thursday, y'all! (This is my favorite day of the week cuz I have my church institute class, and get to see all my friends!)
We kept it very much as a daily record of what was going on in our lives. It was our way of keeping up with each other. Very different from the style of this blog, which is much more of an emotional record than a record of my daily activities. I like both styles, and might begin to to blend them a little more here.
I went to the closest military base alone for the first time today. It was an extremely bittersweet first. I love being able to go places and do things on my own, but this just felt somewhat wrong. Like I should be there with my military spouse, but I'm not....I'm just using the privileges until I lose them when the divorce is finalized....Life took such a funny turn. Good thing I know God's in control.
Happy Thursday, y'all! (This is my favorite day of the week cuz I have my church institute class, and get to see all my friends!)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Through His Eyes
Sometimes I am more than frustrated with my life. A broken marriage, living with my mom, not yet really settled on a direction in life. It is all too much. But then I pause, and try to look at my life through the eyes of Someone much wiser than me.
In His eyes, I am loved and valued more than I can comprehend. I am never forgotten by Him. He has a plan for my life, that is not frustrated by the missteps of man. None of this comes as a surprise to Him. I believe that just as the Savior grieved with Mary and Martha at the grave of Lazarus, mere moments before reuniting them, He grieves with me over my broken dreams before bringing me into new, beautiful dreams.
When I take a look through new eyes, God's eyes, I am energized, restored. I have hope that life is beautiful, and will continue to become even more beautiful as I strive to follow my Savior.
In His eyes, I am loved and valued more than I can comprehend. I am never forgotten by Him. He has a plan for my life, that is not frustrated by the missteps of man. None of this comes as a surprise to Him. I believe that just as the Savior grieved with Mary and Martha at the grave of Lazarus, mere moments before reuniting them, He grieves with me over my broken dreams before bringing me into new, beautiful dreams.
When I take a look through new eyes, God's eyes, I am energized, restored. I have hope that life is beautiful, and will continue to become even more beautiful as I strive to follow my Savior.
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| found @ weheartit |
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Abound in Hope
Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that ye may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Ghost.
I love every line of this scripture. They all just carry such a punch!
First: Now may the God of hope. Our God is a God of hope. He has given us the Atonement that we may find hope, not be in despair. (A thought I borrowed from a dear friend who spoIke in church on Sunday). To quote a favorite hymn: I stand all amazed! (I Stand All Amazed)
Next: fill you will all joy and peace. God wants us to have joy! He wants us to have peace! I love the description of peace that says true peace is not when our outer circumstances are at peace, but when we find peace in spite of them, inside of us. God can fill us with that peace when we come unto him. I am so grateful for a loving, bountiful God
Then: that ye may abound in hope. Abound! What a powerful word. Abound in hope. Hope for eternal salvation. Hope for a better future. Hope that surrounds us and lifts us up. I just revel in the word abound.
Lastly: through the power of the Holy Ghost. Hope through the power of the Holy Ghost. As we live worthy to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, as we seek our Father in prayer, the Holy Ghost will fill us with hope. What a beautiful plan!
Have a wonderful Tuesday. Linking up with Jen.
I love every line of this scripture. They all just carry such a punch!
First: Now may the God of hope. Our God is a God of hope. He has given us the Atonement that we may find hope, not be in despair. (A thought I borrowed from a dear friend who spoIke in church on Sunday). To quote a favorite hymn: I stand all amazed! (I Stand All Amazed)
Next: fill you will all joy and peace. God wants us to have joy! He wants us to have peace! I love the description of peace that says true peace is not when our outer circumstances are at peace, but when we find peace in spite of them, inside of us. God can fill us with that peace when we come unto him. I am so grateful for a loving, bountiful God
Then: that ye may abound in hope. Abound! What a powerful word. Abound in hope. Hope for eternal salvation. Hope for a better future. Hope that surrounds us and lifts us up. I just revel in the word abound.
Lastly: through the power of the Holy Ghost. Hope through the power of the Holy Ghost. As we live worthy to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, as we seek our Father in prayer, the Holy Ghost will fill us with hope. What a beautiful plan!
Have a wonderful Tuesday. Linking up with Jen.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
So Blessed, and Yet
I have so many reasons to be grateful, for I am so blessed. I have a wonderful, loving family immediate and extended. I have great great friends who lift me up and inspire me. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, his restored truths, in my life. I have a warm bed to sleep in, a working car, a working computer, food to eat.
And yet, I feel so empty sometimes. So alone. So broken. I know God can and will heal all, in his timing, I just feel so lost, so empty. I don't think it is too ungrateful to admit that for I believe that sometimes the Lord strengthens us as we suffer instead of taking away the suffering. Losing the companionship of marriage will leave a hole. It is so different being single now compared to being single before. Now I am really truly know what I am missing, and feel it so acutely at times. Maybe it wasn't a perfect marriage, but it was mine and I miss it, him...
I am also willing to admit that I am scared to let go of the pain. Still scared of just being empty if the pain isn't there. Or that it is wrong not to still hurt. To borrow a term from my knowledge of psychology, I feel this cognitive dissonance, two conflicting beliefs warring within me. One says that I will heal and move on, one saying how dare you give up on your marriage. But my marriage is over, and I must heal. Yet saying that doesn't heal the dissonance. Or the loneliness.
I believe that God will bless me: He will support me through this, strengthening me to bear my burdens with ease, and submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord (Mosiah 24:15); He will bless me with another, lasting, marriage, when the timing is right. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore, will I hope in him. (Lamentations 3:24)
And yet, I feel so empty sometimes. So alone. So broken. I know God can and will heal all, in his timing, I just feel so lost, so empty. I don't think it is too ungrateful to admit that for I believe that sometimes the Lord strengthens us as we suffer instead of taking away the suffering. Losing the companionship of marriage will leave a hole. It is so different being single now compared to being single before. Now I am really truly know what I am missing, and feel it so acutely at times. Maybe it wasn't a perfect marriage, but it was mine and I miss it, him...
I am also willing to admit that I am scared to let go of the pain. Still scared of just being empty if the pain isn't there. Or that it is wrong not to still hurt. To borrow a term from my knowledge of psychology, I feel this cognitive dissonance, two conflicting beliefs warring within me. One says that I will heal and move on, one saying how dare you give up on your marriage. But my marriage is over, and I must heal. Yet saying that doesn't heal the dissonance. Or the loneliness.
I believe that God will bless me: He will support me through this, strengthening me to bear my burdens with ease, and submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord (Mosiah 24:15); He will bless me with another, lasting, marriage, when the timing is right. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore, will I hope in him. (Lamentations 3:24)
Monday, April 4, 2011
No Other Name
Sharing my testimony with my sisters at SDG
I blogged a few days back about feeling free. I have the freedom to go places now that I have a car, yes. But I am only free to make the choices I make because I have been freed from bondage by my Savior. Galatians 5:1 reminds us of this telling us, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage."
We are reminded in Acts 4:10-12 that it is only through the name of Christ that we can be saved. I remember this with much joy. My Savior gave everything for me, suffered even unto death, that I, Rachel, might be saved. How glorious!!!! How wondrous!!! If I am free, it is only because I have repented and come unto my Savior.
I am so grateful for my Savior, and for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The LDS church had its semi-annunal general conference this weekend, and the messages given by our general authorities were wonderfully inspring and uplifting. I am so blessed to belong to a church where we "talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ" (2 Nephi 25:26)
I blogged a few days back about feeling free. I have the freedom to go places now that I have a car, yes. But I am only free to make the choices I make because I have been freed from bondage by my Savior. Galatians 5:1 reminds us of this telling us, "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage."
We are reminded in Acts 4:10-12 that it is only through the name of Christ that we can be saved. I remember this with much joy. My Savior gave everything for me, suffered even unto death, that I, Rachel, might be saved. How glorious!!!! How wondrous!!! If I am free, it is only because I have repented and come unto my Savior.
I am so grateful for my Savior, and for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The LDS church had its semi-annunal general conference this weekend, and the messages given by our general authorities were wonderfully inspring and uplifting. I am so blessed to belong to a church where we "talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ" (2 Nephi 25:26)
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| found at weheartit |
Friday, April 1, 2011
Free
I am free today. I got my first car and got to drive around all by myself. I have the freedom to go where I want when I want to, need to, whatever. It is glorious!!!! Freedom rocks. I just got into my car today and drove. It was so so so wonderful.
I am also free from my unpleasant job. I am so glad. I will find another one and will be much clearer abut my expectations and the employers. No more misunderstandings, of the preventable sort at least. This last job was miserably full of them, but it is over. Yay.
Free feels good!
I am also free from my unpleasant job. I am so glad. I will find another one and will be much clearer abut my expectations and the employers. No more misunderstandings, of the preventable sort at least. This last job was miserably full of them, but it is over. Yay.
Free feels good!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
It's Not All About Me!
I am in a very self-centered period of my life. Young, no children, getting a divorce...sometimes I forget that I am not the only one with struggles, that not everything someone does is a reflection on me. I am convicted by this feeling over and over.
I need to get outside of myself so much more. I need to serve more, give more of myself to others. I need to do more than remember that I need to do this, more than just say I am going to serve. I need to do it. I can begin by praying that God will show me who I can serve. By looking around me and really seeing others. This is my challenge for this week, to really see others, to see them as God sees them, and love them as He loves them. (And I'll keep doing it after this week is over, I just need to get started)
If there is anything I can do for you, even if its just a simple prayer, let me know.
I need to get outside of myself so much more. I need to serve more, give more of myself to others. I need to do more than remember that I need to do this, more than just say I am going to serve. I need to do it. I can begin by praying that God will show me who I can serve. By looking around me and really seeing others. This is my challenge for this week, to really see others, to see them as God sees them, and love them as He loves them. (And I'll keep doing it after this week is over, I just need to get started)
If there is anything I can do for you, even if its just a simple prayer, let me know.
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| found at weheartit |
Monday, March 28, 2011
I Refuse to Be Numb
Some days I feel completely numb. Nothing reaches me, and my heart feels cold. And I hate it. And so I pray that I will feel something, everything. Pain comes first, joy will come later.
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| found at weheartit |
I have to feel the pain to get past it. If I just seal up my heart, nothing will get in. Not joy, not spiritual promptings, not the love of God. And so I let the pain in, and ask for God to heal me. To stand against the pain for me (Psalms 94:16-17). For He is my Healer, my Savior; with His stripes I am healed (Isaiah 53:5). As He heals the pain, He shows me what love really looks like. God is love. I feel the pain, but I feel hope, too. And know that joy is coming, just like Josh Wilson's song, Before the Morning, reminds us.
So thanks to all my lovely Soli sisters and other readers who pray for me. My prayers are with you.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Vision in My Head
I am finally getting a car this weekend. It is a gift from my dad, and I spent less than $1000 getting it running. A great great blessing. I can't wait to get it and have the freedom of driving.
And right now I cannot get the image out of my head of packing up that little car full of all my stuff and driving away. Going somewhere brand new and finding myself. (Too bad it is not a hatchback, cuz I'll have to leave my little blue armchair...)
But where would I go? And with what money? And so it remains just a dream.
And right now I cannot get the image out of my head of packing up that little car full of all my stuff and driving away. Going somewhere brand new and finding myself. (Too bad it is not a hatchback, cuz I'll have to leave my little blue armchair...)
But where would I go? And with what money? And so it remains just a dream.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Accepting the Challenge to be Positive
Just when I was ready to be negative for a while, God created a little miracle. Three, count them three!, of the blogs I read regularly had posts on being positive yesterday. The first from the inspiring Gitz: life. The second from adorable Amanda: The Pollyanna Project. And the third from my dear friend, Kristin: Happy, Table for 2.
All three focused on shifting perspective. Stop focusing on the negative, on what we don't have, and look at what we do have, what God has blessed us with, and how He sees our lives. This was a much needed paradigm shift for me. I have accepted Amanda's Pollyanna challenge: to choose positivity, to choose love, to choose to smile. I have taken to heart Gitz's advice to open my eye's to God's perspective- the eternal one that is so much grander than this small view we have now. I have chosen, like Kristin, to see the happy coming up, to have faith.
I am so grateful for these dear girls and how they helped me look beyond whatever unhappiness or toughness may face me currently, and reach for the hope that God so graciously holds out for me. I choose to hope in my God, who will strengthen my heart (Psalms 31:24).
Who inspires you?
All three focused on shifting perspective. Stop focusing on the negative, on what we don't have, and look at what we do have, what God has blessed us with, and how He sees our lives. This was a much needed paradigm shift for me. I have accepted Amanda's Pollyanna challenge: to choose positivity, to choose love, to choose to smile. I have taken to heart Gitz's advice to open my eye's to God's perspective- the eternal one that is so much grander than this small view we have now. I have chosen, like Kristin, to see the happy coming up, to have faith.
I am so grateful for these dear girls and how they helped me look beyond whatever unhappiness or toughness may face me currently, and reach for the hope that God so graciously holds out for me. I choose to hope in my God, who will strengthen my heart (Psalms 31:24).
Who inspires you?
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| found @ weheartit |
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
As of Late March
Joining up with Critty Joy again for this monthly meme.
Lately, I have fallen away from the bloggy world a little.
Lately, I have been spending lots of time with great friends.
Lately, I have been struggling with old emotions resurfacing.
Lately, I have conquered an old temptation. Hurrah!
Lately, I have whined and in the process said too much, and now need to do some damage control.
Lately, my car has been getting some work done, it is ready! I just need to get it legal to drive on roads!
Lately, I have loved working in the nursery at church.
A short, honest post. Enjoy!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Singing Truth
I love the hymn How Firm A Foundation. Especially the third verse that so heavily pulls from Isaiah 41:10:
This verse helps me to remember the verse and the truth it speaks. I will not be dismayed for my God is ever with me!
Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed.
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee stand.
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Raw
It has been a crazy week, and I just haven't felt like posting. But I'll try to now.
It's been a pretty up and down week. There have been times where I have been in a good mood- like after watching Morning Glory, a movie I definitely recommend (DISCLAIMER: this movie had a lot of bad language, so please be aware of that), or watching the little ones play in nursery at church - they are so sweet, or being with my wonderful friends who just pour their love on me.
But right now I just feel like something is pulling me into a black hole, and I'm trying to fight it. My job is hard, harder than I thought it would be. My marriage keeps sucking me back in and spitting me out again. My heart feels so heavy and I want to be free- from what I'm really not sure.
I think I'm gonna go bury my heart in scripture, find God's tender mercies and compassion that are new everyday. (1 Ne 1:20, Lamentations 3:22-23)
Linking up with my sisters at SDG :)
It's been a pretty up and down week. There have been times where I have been in a good mood- like after watching Morning Glory, a movie I definitely recommend (DISCLAIMER: this movie had a lot of bad language, so please be aware of that), or watching the little ones play in nursery at church - they are so sweet, or being with my wonderful friends who just pour their love on me.
But right now I just feel like something is pulling me into a black hole, and I'm trying to fight it. My job is hard, harder than I thought it would be. My marriage keeps sucking me back in and spitting me out again. My heart feels so heavy and I want to be free- from what I'm really not sure.
I think I'm gonna go bury my heart in scripture, find God's tender mercies and compassion that are new everyday. (1 Ne 1:20, Lamentations 3:22-23)
Linking up with my sisters at SDG :)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
My Favorite Pasttime
I love to read. Really truly love it. I love the stories, I love being transported to different places (to familiar places when rereading favorites), the way I just get wholly absorbed in a book. There is little better than enjoying a good book.
Some of my all time favorite authors include Madeline L'Engle, Louisa May Alcott, L.M. Montgomery, and J.K. Rowling. Ooh, and Nicholas Sparks is good, too. I also love the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants quartet, Chronicles of Narnia, Trixie Belden (three cheers if you remember or have heard of this series!), and, inexplicably, One of Those Hideous Books Where the Mother Dies by Sonya Sones. It's a cute little book written in verse that I can just read over and over.
A book I read a little while back and just recommended to a friend today was There's No Place Like Here by Cecilia Ahern. The book is a fun flight of fancy where a girl who is obsessed with not losing things ends up in the place where lost people and things end up. Very good!
Anyone else who just loves to read?
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| found @ we heart it |
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| found @ we heart it |
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| found @ we heart it |
Anyone else who just loves to read?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Finding Healing
Lately, I have been feeling ready to engage in real life, free to move past my painful divorce-to-come. But the pain of the betrayal, the failed marriage, that still lingers. Haunts me really. It keeps me up late at night, because rather than feel miserable when I fall asleep, I read until I've chased the pain away.
I also pray that I will be strengthened through the Lord, to forgive, to find healing. I know that, in the end, running from the pain will not bring healing. Only in handing it all to my Savior will I find true healing, and it will be in His time. (That's the hard part). I must pray to find strength and healing, not for the pain to be removed. For there is a difference.
Praying for courage to face the pain, to find thorough healing.
Linking up with my dear sisters at Jen's.
I also pray that I will be strengthened through the Lord, to forgive, to find healing. I know that, in the end, running from the pain will not bring healing. Only in handing it all to my Savior will I find true healing, and it will be in His time. (That's the hard part). I must pray to find strength and healing, not for the pain to be removed. For there is a difference.
Praying for courage to face the pain, to find thorough healing.
Linking up with my dear sisters at Jen's.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
One Year Ago
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| found at we heart it |
I am learning how to stand on my own two feet again, after being part of a couple, even if it was extremely dysfunctional by the end. I am learning to be my own person again, to be my own hero. I am building a new life...because it's not the same life I had before, while I was married, or even before I got married. This is a brand-new chapter. I thought I still knew myself, but I didn't. But I am getting to know me again. And I know I am going to be ok.
I am leaning on God daily, thanking him for the days I feel strong and independent. He got me through the days when I couldn't stand on my own feet, and so I thank him for the fact that I can now. I really believe he wants me to know I am strong, and I can do it, with Him standing right behind me.
Last year I got advice to start exercising, and I did for a while. This past week I have been exercising twice a day, and it is really making me feel strong and happy. It is such a positive addition to my routine.
This has been a year full of ups and downs, and major life changes. I'm finally free now to move on and rebuild. I didn't want this divorce, but I have finally accepted it, and that is freeing me to grow into my new life.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Strengthen Your Heart
Be of good courage, and he will strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. (Psalm 31:24)
As my one word for the year, hope has been very real to me already this year. I have hoped for things that already have not panned out. But I know that my hope in God will always always be fulfilled.
As I have walked in the ways He has asked me to, God has been there with me every step of the way. He is filling me even now with new hope for a brighter future. My heart has indeed been strengthened and renewed. I can look forward now and really see the brightness the future has in store. I wake up happy, and have fallen asleep happy. Some nights, I still fight the tears, and sometimes, it feels a little odd to be happy...but I think God understands that too.
My hope is ever in the Lord because He is ever faithful, ever the same. It is a beautiful thing to know that even if everything else were to fall apart, I would still have a safe place to fall. He is showing me that safe place now, filling me with a new hope for a new future. Blessed be His Name.
As my one word for the year, hope has been very real to me already this year. I have hoped for things that already have not panned out. But I know that my hope in God will always always be fulfilled.
As I have walked in the ways He has asked me to, God has been there with me every step of the way. He is filling me even now with new hope for a brighter future. My heart has indeed been strengthened and renewed. I can look forward now and really see the brightness the future has in store. I wake up happy, and have fallen asleep happy. Some nights, I still fight the tears, and sometimes, it feels a little odd to be happy...but I think God understands that too.
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| Found @ We Heart It |
My hope is ever in the Lord because He is ever faithful, ever the same. It is a beautiful thing to know that even if everything else were to fall apart, I would still have a safe place to fall. He is showing me that safe place now, filling me with a new hope for a new future. Blessed be His Name.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Humbled
The rules accompanying this awesome award are as follows:
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| found @ we heart it |
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 8 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact the bloggers and let them know about the award.
7 new facts about me:
1. I'm not a huge fan of rollercoasters, but I loved Space Mountain..
2. And I loved Disneyland; I can't wait to visit Disney World someday.
3. Because I truly believe that you don't ever have to outgrow Disney.
4. My favorite Disney Princess is Sleeping Beauty- in the blue version of her dress.
5 Even though my favorite color is pink.
6. My favorite Disney non-princess movie is Lilo and Stitch
7. And my favorite Pixar is Monsters, Inc. "Scary monsters don't have plaque.
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| found @we heart it |
(Linking all the the facts together like that was a blast!!!)
Now on to the new recipients of this award:
Congrats to these lovely ladies. XOXO
Monday, February 28, 2011
Something Good Happened
My step-grandmother's memorial service was this past Saturday. I got to know her a little better than I had known her in life. She was an incredible woman. She was kind, with a big heart, she knew how to be content, she loved being a wife and mom, she loved to read. If I am even half the woman she was, I will have succeeded in life. She is truly one of my role models. A neat thing: she took dance from Martha Graham, one of the modern dance pioneers. How awesome is that?
Something that particularly struck me was something my step-grandfather said when he was saying a few words at the family gathering before the memorial service. He was talking about how they met. "She was divorced, and I was divorced, and when we met, something good happened." That really gives me hope for my future. And I think that Grandma is glad I found that. Her whole life story just inspires me.
So much that her children shared during the service touched my heart. How my uncle started his remarks with "Life is unfair. You didn't get to have my mother as your mother" Or my step-mom talking about how much Grandma loved her son who was born with Down's, and felt that he truly brought their family together. My grandma's heart was so big, so welcoming. My step-mom shared with me that Grandma really loved that she and I shared a love of reading. After the memorial service, I found myself sitting in her corner, reading. I thought it was very fitting.
You will be missed, Grandma, but I know you are doing a great work on the other side!
Something that particularly struck me was something my step-grandfather said when he was saying a few words at the family gathering before the memorial service. He was talking about how they met. "She was divorced, and I was divorced, and when we met, something good happened." That really gives me hope for my future. And I think that Grandma is glad I found that. Her whole life story just inspires me.
So much that her children shared during the service touched my heart. How my uncle started his remarks with "Life is unfair. You didn't get to have my mother as your mother" Or my step-mom talking about how much Grandma loved her son who was born with Down's, and felt that he truly brought their family together. My grandma's heart was so big, so welcoming. My step-mom shared with me that Grandma really loved that she and I shared a love of reading. After the memorial service, I found myself sitting in her corner, reading. I thought it was very fitting.
You will be missed, Grandma, but I know you are doing a great work on the other side!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Dream Big
I believe in big dreams. Today I am fantasizing about my dream home. Right now the only room I really call mine is the bedroom at my mother's house. And I spend most of my time away from it because of my live-in job. So I feel like I don't really have a place I call home, or that I make mine anyways. SO here is my dream home...most details I might not get, but it is fun to dream!!!
What you can't see here is my wrap around porch which may resemble something like this...
Love the fireplace!!!!
On to the inside...a great view from the living room!
So beautiful, right?
And this sign by the stairs!
Could use a bigger table, though; I want a big family.
I love the soft light of candles!
The key criteria here was cozy, and room for two, because love will find me again someday.
Yep, at 23, I am dreaming of one cozy looking fort!
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| found here |
What you can't see here is my wrap around porch which may resemble something like this...
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| found here |
On to the inside...a great view from the living room!
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| found here |
And this sign by the stairs!
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| found here |
Come on into my kitchen next...
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| found here |
Somewhere, this tray will have a home:
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| found here |
The last stop on tonight's dream tour will be the master bedroom:
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| found here |
Do you like my beautiful dream home...but wait there's a bonus dream.
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| found here |
Andrew Peterson - The Silence Of God
This song is achingly beautiful. I just love the line that says the aching may remain but the breaking does not. Oh how great the salvation of our Lord.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Rethink
After reading the lovely comments from my sisters of Soli Deo Gloria, I have rethought yesterday's post. I called it a false assumption that I was waiting for real life to begin. I think maybe I was being given a much needed time out. I think that the waiting time, as frustrating as it was in the moment, was a grace from God, because maybe I wasn't ready to be fully engaged. Heartbreak is all-consuming. It still consumes me sometimes.
So I don't think so much that I am shedding a layer of false assumption, as much as I am shedding a layer of protection that I no longer need. God is telling me I am ready to full engage, to feel like real life is here again.
I am still not exactly where I'd like to be, but I am in a good place. I have good friends, and wonderful family who bless me and whom I have the chance to bless in return. I have a good, if challenging, job that is affording me the ability to pay off a credit card. It is temporary, which is affording me the chance to find a more stable position. God's hand is truly visible in every aspect of my life.
I am going to really practice the art of intentional living from here on out, living in hope and gratitude and grace.
photo credit
So I don't think so much that I am shedding a layer of false assumption, as much as I am shedding a layer of protection that I no longer need. God is telling me I am ready to full engage, to feel like real life is here again.
I am still not exactly where I'd like to be, but I am in a good place. I have good friends, and wonderful family who bless me and whom I have the chance to bless in return. I have a good, if challenging, job that is affording me the ability to pay off a credit card. It is temporary, which is affording me the chance to find a more stable position. God's hand is truly visible in every aspect of my life.
I am going to really practice the art of intentional living from here on out, living in hope and gratitude and grace.
photo credit
Monday, February 21, 2011
Stop Waiting!
I've been living with a false assumption lately (for a long time, really): that I am sitting here waiting for real life to begin. That just because I am in limbo as far as my marriage is concerned (not with my husband, not able to file for divorce yet), that life is waiting for me to be free of it (limbo). This false assumption has influenced the way I view life, making me feel like I am stuck in a holding pattern. But I have realized that this is all untrue.
Real life is right now. I need to change my perspective, because I don't want all these moments to pass me by. I want to live intentionally, I want to realize that I am and can be doing significant things every day. Life is always messy and imperfect, .
I have been living in one respect: I have been striving hard to keep from closing off my heart. I have been fighting off bitterness (but not succeeding at keeping the cynicism at bay). I have been searching, reading, writing, and finding new friends in the process. Now I want to start living more all around.
So my new goal is to shed this layer of false assumptions that is keeping me from being in my own life.
(I think, though, that maybe, I did need to sit out for a little bit, and am ready now to shed this view of waiting for life to begin; maybe it was false, but maybe I needed it to protect my broken heart just a little.)
Real life is right now. I need to change my perspective, because I don't want all these moments to pass me by. I want to live intentionally, I want to realize that I am and can be doing significant things every day. Life is always messy and imperfect, .
I have been living in one respect: I have been striving hard to keep from closing off my heart. I have been fighting off bitterness (but not succeeding at keeping the cynicism at bay). I have been searching, reading, writing, and finding new friends in the process. Now I want to start living more all around.
So my new goal is to shed this layer of false assumptions that is keeping me from being in my own life.
(I think, though, that maybe, I did need to sit out for a little bit, and am ready now to shed this view of waiting for life to begin; maybe it was false, but maybe I needed it to protect my broken heart just a little.)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Gratitude
Some days I find myself focusing on all that I don't have, forgetting the multitude of blessings I do have. I have so much and I really want to start focusing on it.
{1}I have a Savior,
{2}I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,
{3}I have my scriptures,
{4}I believe in a living prophet who speaks to us today,
{5}I have a wonderful family, mother, father, step-mom, brothers,sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents,
{6}I have a wonderful ward family (congregation),
{7}I have a place to live,
{8}I have a job,
{10}I have my health,
{11} I have electricty, running water, internet, cable
This is a basic list, but all of them are huge blessings. Huge. Yes, my heart is broken, and my marriage is over, my future irrevocably changed, but as long as I have my faith, and rely on my Savior, life will go on to become something beautiful.
{1}I have a Savior,
{2}I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,
{3}I have my scriptures,
{4}I believe in a living prophet who speaks to us today,
{5}I have a wonderful family, mother, father, step-mom, brothers,sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents,
{6}I have a wonderful ward family (congregation),
{7}I have a place to live,
{8}I have a job,
{10}I have my health,
{11} I have electricty, running water, internet, cable
This is a basic list, but all of them are huge blessings. Huge. Yes, my heart is broken, and my marriage is over, my future irrevocably changed, but as long as I have my faith, and rely on my Savior, life will go on to become something beautiful.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Josh Wilson - Before The Morning
This song is so beautiful and touches the broken pieces of my heart. I love remembering that the pain is nothing compared to the joy He's working in my future.
This song also reminds me that as long as my hope is in God, this pain I am feeling cannot swallow me; God is my strength and my salvation (Isaiah 12:2).
Thursday, February 17, 2011
As of Late February
The time for the second As of Late post has come. Thanks again to Critty for this meme.
As of late, I have taken a job that is more challenging than I thought it would be, but in the end I think it will be rewarding.
As of late, I have made new friends.
As of late, God has been impressing on my heart that I need to take a big huge hard step soon. Today, he is letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that the time has come to take it. Please pray for me.
As of late, I have joined a beautiful bloggy sisterhood, Soli Deo Gloria, found over on Jen's blog, Finding Heaven.
As of late, I have bought a transmission and am waiting patiently for a mechanic friend of my dad's to find room in his schedule to put it in.
As of late, I have been cultivating hope.
As of late, I have been feasting on the truth of God's love found in the scriptures.
As of late, I have discovered how funny Modern Family is. "Cue the gasp"
As of late, I was able to put a huge chunk of money on a credit card thanks to my tax return.
Thanks for reading my As of Late's. Have a beautiful day!
As of late, I have taken a job that is more challenging than I thought it would be, but in the end I think it will be rewarding.
As of late, I have made new friends.
As of late, God has been impressing on my heart that I need to take a big huge hard step soon. Today, he is letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that the time has come to take it. Please pray for me.
As of late, I have joined a beautiful bloggy sisterhood, Soli Deo Gloria, found over on Jen's blog, Finding Heaven.
As of late, I have bought a transmission and am waiting patiently for a mechanic friend of my dad's to find room in his schedule to put it in.
As of late, I have been cultivating hope.
As of late, I have been feasting on the truth of God's love found in the scriptures.
As of late, I have discovered how funny Modern Family is. "Cue the gasp"
As of late, I was able to put a huge chunk of money on a credit card thanks to my tax return.
Thanks for reading my As of Late's. Have a beautiful day!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Why I Love Scripture
As I take quiet time to soak in the word of God, I find reminders of why I truly love scripture.
One is that they are a reminder that God keeps his promises. (Words of Mormon 1:4, Luke 4:21)
Another is that having the law before our eyes keeps us from falling away from Him (Mosiah 1:5, Psalm 119:92)
Those are two reasons that come to mind right now. I love reading the scriptures, I find so much to comfort me, strengthen me, and draw me closer to my Savior. I truly delight in them, feast on them (2 Nephi 31:20), for there is so much to feast on.
photo credit
One is that they are a reminder that God keeps his promises. (Words of Mormon 1:4, Luke 4:21)
Another is that having the law before our eyes keeps us from falling away from Him (Mosiah 1:5, Psalm 119:92)
Those are two reasons that come to mind right now. I love reading the scriptures, I find so much to comfort me, strengthen me, and draw me closer to my Savior. I truly delight in them, feast on them (2 Nephi 31:20), for there is so much to feast on.
photo credit
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Is This Me?
In high school and college, I rarely wore any makeup or did anything uch with my hair. Exceptions were usually special occasions, like dances. Now I wear make-up more often than not, and take time with my hair. I like it, but I don't like being higher maitence than I used to be. I guess we all change, though.
Part of the reason I started wearing make-up was the big bags I was getting under my eyes from not sleeping well. After getting cover-up, foundation just followed. Another part was switching to contacts after wearing glasses since second grade. I started wearing mascara after that. And then I saw a neat post on how to enhance curly hair, and I started doing that. And liked it. So yeah, my beauty routine has changed. It just happened, and I do like it. Others around me notice that I wear make-up, and ask why, or who am I trying to impress. Uh, because I want to, and nobody, I just felt like it. And those are the best reasons, I think. So maybe, I take longer to get ready, but it does make me feel good about myself, and I'm ok with a little extra care. I don't need it to feel good, it just helps.
What does your beauty routine look like, and how has changed recently?
Part of the reason I started wearing make-up was the big bags I was getting under my eyes from not sleeping well. After getting cover-up, foundation just followed. Another part was switching to contacts after wearing glasses since second grade. I started wearing mascara after that. And then I saw a neat post on how to enhance curly hair, and I started doing that. And liked it. So yeah, my beauty routine has changed. It just happened, and I do like it. Others around me notice that I wear make-up, and ask why, or who am I trying to impress. Uh, because I want to, and nobody, I just felt like it. And those are the best reasons, I think. So maybe, I take longer to get ready, but it does make me feel good about myself, and I'm ok with a little extra care. I don't need it to feel good, it just helps.
What does your beauty routine look like, and how has changed recently?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Not My Favorite Holiday Plus Some Extra Love for SDG Sisters
This day last year my whole world got turned upside down. I had a good cry over that this morning. So lets just say I really don't like Valentine's Day right now. But I had a pretty good day regardless. I just sometimes wish I could rewrite last year, at least parts of it. I've learned lessons and grown a lot, but did I really have to do it the hard way? Watching my marriage go through the blender? NOT FUN. *lump growing in my throat*
I also want to say just how much I love being a part of the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood. It's a been a real blessing, receiving and giving love. I really look forward to Mondays/Tuesdays because of you ladies. So here's wishing you all a wonderful Valentine's Day with all my love.
I also want to say just how much I love being a part of the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood. It's a been a real blessing, receiving and giving love. I really look forward to Mondays/Tuesdays because of you ladies. So here's wishing you all a wonderful Valentine's Day with all my love.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Money Back College
This is so apropos to my life right now. I mean I do have a job right now, but it is short term. Financial security is a big concern of mine...
Friday, February 11, 2011
LOL
Sometimes, I feel like I talk about nothing but sad or frustrating stuff. But I do smile, and I do laugh, I promise. Sometimes I laugh hard. Like when I'm watching Phineas and Ferb (best cartoon eva!) or reading damnyouautocorrect.com (acutally,sometimes this site makes me laugh so hard I get tears in my eyes), or reading other bloggers's posts.
My favorite line from Phineas and Ferb this week was when Vanessa Doofenshmirtz sassed her dad, and Doofenshmirtz (the evil scientist the boys' playtpus fights) replies "I am your daughter, I will stop being sarcastic and untie you". He was tied up by Perry the Platypus with his own pants! Love that show!!!!!
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| I made these on disney.com, the last one came out perfect! |
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Fear of Revolving Doors
This past year (from February to February) has been very confusing for me. I have chosen different directions over and over. Ok, let's try this way. Oh, nope, I'm gonna close that door again. Whoa, it opened itself again. When I describe it to my friends, I say that the door is a revolving one, that keeps spinning on me. Maybe its one of those automated revolving doors.
What is amusing about all this is that I am afraid of actual revolving doors, ever since one threw me because my friend went through it super fast. So now my life has come to resemble something I am afraid of. Also, who likes not knowing where they're going. Not me! I only hope and pray that eventually the door stops spinning. Meanwhile, I'll just do the best to honor God where I'm at.
What is amusing about all this is that I am afraid of actual revolving doors, ever since one threw me because my friend went through it super fast. So now my life has come to resemble something I am afraid of. Also, who likes not knowing where they're going. Not me! I only hope and pray that eventually the door stops spinning. Meanwhile, I'll just do the best to honor God where I'm at.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Screaming
I feel like I am at this crossroads in my life, and I don't know what to do. I really really don't. And it makes me crazy. I hate not knowing what to do. Even praying doesn't really seem to yield an answer right now. And I know that's because God works in his own time frame. But I'm not good at patient. I want the answer right now, so I can plan for it. I know that's not how faith works. But I want it to this time.
I am literally screaming I am so so frustrated with this confusion. I guess what I need to pray for is patience that the answer will come, not think of it as a race against time.
I wrote all that this morning, in a tense frenzy. It's still all true. I just am calmer. I know that God is in control, and if I just stay close to Him, and follow the promptings I receive, I will be ok. It's still scary, though. And frustrating. I just have to remember not to act based on my fear or my frustration, but out of faith in God, and in my own judgement, as I pray and pray and pray for direction and strength.
I am literally screaming I am so so frustrated with this confusion. I guess what I need to pray for is patience that the answer will come, not think of it as a race against time.
I wrote all that this morning, in a tense frenzy. It's still all true. I just am calmer. I know that God is in control, and if I just stay close to Him, and follow the promptings I receive, I will be ok. It's still scary, though. And frustrating. I just have to remember not to act based on my fear or my frustration, but out of faith in God, and in my own judgement, as I pray and pray and pray for direction and strength.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Beauty
Last night I was in kind of a funk. At one point, I found myself in front of a mirror, after using the restroom. I was washing my hands and looked up at the mirror and started to pick out all of the flaws I saw. My hair was falling out of its braid, I looked tired, my pores were huge from eyebrow plucking. But then I realized what I was doing, and stopped. I smiled at myself and imagined there was a Operation Beautiful note posted on that mirror. One that said something like "Smile, you are beautiful". It made a big difference in the way I saw myself, and in my mood.
It surprised me that I had even started to pick out my "flaws". I'm not usually hyper-critical about my appearance. I enjoy wearing make-up, doing my hair, and picking out a cute outfit, but I know that my self-worth does not even come close to relying on my appearance. I'll put the self-criticism down to the fact that I was a little over-tired, and in a funk. I am so glad I could remember the messages from Operation Beautiful's blog, and pull myself away from the self-critical, damaging thoughts. I think that site is a great reminder that all women, all people, need to be less self-critical.
I also like the movement Own Your Beauty, that challenges us to accept ourselves for who we are. It doesn't mean we can't be better, but it does mean we shouldn't allow ourselves to be our own harshest critics. These are great lessons to remember, and apply to other areas in our lives outside of physical appearance, like in fulfilling our responsibilities, our dreams. We must reach towards our dreams, fulfill our responsibilities, but we should not expect ourselves to do better than our very best, which I think sometimes we do. or at least I do.
How do you remember to be true to yourself and not be your own harshest critic?
It surprised me that I had even started to pick out my "flaws". I'm not usually hyper-critical about my appearance. I enjoy wearing make-up, doing my hair, and picking out a cute outfit, but I know that my self-worth does not even come close to relying on my appearance. I'll put the self-criticism down to the fact that I was a little over-tired, and in a funk. I am so glad I could remember the messages from Operation Beautiful's blog, and pull myself away from the self-critical, damaging thoughts. I think that site is a great reminder that all women, all people, need to be less self-critical.
I also like the movement Own Your Beauty, that challenges us to accept ourselves for who we are. It doesn't mean we can't be better, but it does mean we shouldn't allow ourselves to be our own harshest critics. These are great lessons to remember, and apply to other areas in our lives outside of physical appearance, like in fulfilling our responsibilities, our dreams. We must reach towards our dreams, fulfill our responsibilities, but we should not expect ourselves to do better than our very best, which I think sometimes we do. or at least I do.
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| (cheesing with my roommate freshman year) |
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