Something Good Happened

My step-grandmother's memorial service was this past Saturday. I got to know her a little better than I had known her in life. She was an incredible woman. She was kind, with a big heart, she knew how to be content, she loved being a wife and mom, she loved to read. If I am even half the woman she was, I will have succeeded in life. She is truly one of my role models. A neat thing: she took dance from Martha Graham, one of the modern dance pioneers. How awesome is that?

Something that particularly struck me was something my step-grandfather said when he was saying a few words at the family gathering before the memorial service. He was talking about how they met. "She was divorced, and I was divorced, and when we met, something good happened." That really gives me hope for my future. And I think that Grandma is glad I found that. Her whole life story just inspires me.

So much that her children shared during the service touched my heart. How my uncle started his remarks with "Life is unfair. You didn't get to have my mother as your mother" Or my step-mom talking about how much Grandma loved her son who was born with Down's, and felt that he truly brought their family together. My grandma's heart was so big, so welcoming. My step-mom shared with me that Grandma really loved that she and I shared a love of reading. After the memorial service,  I found myself sitting in her corner, reading. I thought it was very fitting.

You will be missed, Grandma, but I know you are doing a great work on the other side!

Dream Big

I believe in big dreams. Today I am fantasizing about my dream home. Right now the only room I really call mine is the bedroom at my mother's house. And I spend most of my time away from it because of my live-in job. So I feel like I don't really have a place I call home, or that I make mine anyways. SO here is my dream home...most details I might not get, but it is fun to dream!!!

found here

What you can't see here is my wrap around porch which may resemble something like this...

found here

Love the fireplace!!!!

On to the inside...a great view from the living room!

found here

So beautiful, right?

And this sign by the stairs!

found here

Come on into my kitchen next...

found here

Could use a bigger table, though; I want a big family.

Somewhere, this tray will have a home:

found here

I love the soft light of candles!

The last stop on tonight's dream tour will be the master bedroom:

found here

The key criteria here was cozy, and room for two, because love will find me again someday.

Do you like my beautiful dream home...but wait there's a bonus dream.

found here

Yep, at 23, I am dreaming of one cozy looking fort!

Thanks for sharing in my dream journey!

All pictures found on weheartit.com

Andrew Peterson - The Silence Of God

This song is achingly beautiful. I just love the line that says the aching may remain but the breaking does not. Oh how great the salvation of our Lord.

Rethink

After reading the lovely comments from my sisters of Soli Deo Gloria, I have rethought yesterday's post. I called it a false assumption that I was waiting for real life to begin. I think maybe I was being given a much needed time out. I think that the waiting time, as frustrating as it was in the moment, was a grace from God, because maybe I wasn't ready to be fully engaged. Heartbreak is all-consuming. It still consumes me sometimes.

So I don't think so much that I am shedding a layer of false assumption, as much as I am shedding a layer of protection that I no longer need. God is telling me I am ready to full engage, to feel like real life is here again.

I am still not exactly where I'd like to be, but I am in a good place. I have good friends, and wonderful family who bless me and whom I have the chance to bless in return. I have a good, if challenging, job that is affording me the ability to pay off a credit card. It is temporary, which is affording me the chance to find a more stable position. God's hand is truly visible in every aspect of my life.

 I am going to really practice the art of intentional living from here on out, living in hope and gratitude and grace.

photo credit

Stop Waiting!

I've been living with a false assumption lately (for a long time, really): that I am sitting here waiting for real life to begin. That just because I am in limbo as far as my marriage is concerned (not with my husband, not able to file for divorce yet), that life is waiting for me to be free of it (limbo). This false assumption has influenced the way I view life, making me feel like I am stuck in a holding pattern. But I have realized that this is all untrue.

Real life is right now. I  need to change my perspective, because I don't want all these moments to pass me by. I want to live intentionally, I want to realize that I am and can be doing significant things every day.  Life is always messy and imperfect, .

I have been living in one respect: I have been striving hard to keep from closing off my heart. I have been fighting off bitterness (but not succeeding at keeping the cynicism at bay).  I have been searching, reading, writing, and finding new friends in the process. Now I want to start living more all around.

So my new goal is to shed this layer of false assumptions that is keeping me from being in my own life.

(I think, though, that maybe, I did need to sit out for a little bit, and am ready now to shed this view of waiting for life to begin; maybe it was false, but maybe I needed it to protect my broken heart just a little.)

Gratitude

Some days I find myself focusing on all that I don't have, forgetting the multitude of blessings I do have. I have so much and I really want to start focusing on it.

{1}I have a Savior,
{2}I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,
{3}I have my scriptures,
{4}I believe in a living prophet who speaks to us today,
{5}I have a wonderful family, mother, father, step-mom, brothers,sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents,
 {6}I have a wonderful ward family (congregation),
{7}I have a place to live,
{8}I have a job,
{10}I have my health,
{11} I have electricty, running water, internet, cable

This is a basic list, but all of them are huge blessings. Huge. Yes, my heart is broken, and my marriage is over, my future irrevocably changed, but as long as I have my faith, and rely on my Savior, life will go on to become something beautiful.

Josh Wilson - Before The Morning

This song is so beautiful and touches the broken pieces of my heart. I love remembering that the pain is nothing compared to the joy He's working in my future.

This song also reminds me that as long as my hope is in God, this pain I am feeling cannot swallow me; God is my strength and my salvation (Isaiah 12:2). 

As of Late February

The time for the second As of Late post has come. Thanks again to Critty for this meme.




As of late, I have taken a job that is more challenging than I thought it would be, but in the end I think it will be rewarding.

As of late, I have made new friends.

As of late, God has been impressing on my heart that I need to take a big huge hard step soon. Today, he is letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that the time has come to take it. Please pray for me.

As of late, I have joined a beautiful bloggy sisterhood, Soli Deo Gloria, found over on Jen's blog, Finding Heaven.

As of late, I have bought a transmission and am waiting patiently for a mechanic friend of my dad's to find room in his schedule to put it in.

As of late, I have been cultivating hope.

As of late, I have been feasting on the truth of God's love found in the scriptures.

As of late, I have discovered how funny Modern Family is. "Cue the gasp"

As of late, I was able to put a huge chunk of money on a credit card thanks to my tax return.

Thanks for reading my As of Late's. Have a beautiful day!

Why I Love Scripture

As I take quiet time to soak in the word of God, I find reminders of why I truly love scripture.

One is that they are a reminder that God keeps his promises. (Words of Mormon 1:4, Luke 4:21)

Another is that having the law before our eyes keeps us from falling away from Him (Mosiah 1:5, Psalm 119:92)

Those are two reasons that come to mind right now. I love reading the scriptures, I find so much to comfort me, strengthen me, and draw me closer to my Savior. I truly delight in them, feast on them (2 Nephi 31:20), for there is so much to feast on.



photo credit

Is This Me?

In high school and college, I rarely wore any makeup or did anything uch with my hair. Exceptions were usually special occasions, like dances. Now I wear make-up more often than not, and take time with my hair. I like it, but I don't like being higher maitence than I used to be. I guess we all change, though.

Part of the reason I started wearing make-up was the big bags I was getting under my eyes from not sleeping well. After getting cover-up, foundation just followed. Another part was switching to contacts after wearing glasses since second grade. I started wearing mascara after that. And then I saw a neat post on how to enhance curly hair, and I started doing that. And liked it. So yeah, my beauty routine has changed. It just happened, and I do like it. Others around me notice that I wear make-up, and ask why, or who am I trying to impress. Uh, because I want to, and nobody, I just felt like it. And those are the best reasons, I think. So maybe, I take longer to get ready, but it does make me feel good about myself, and I'm ok with a little extra care. I don't need it to feel good, it just helps.

What does your beauty routine look like, and how has changed recently?

Not My Favorite Holiday Plus Some Extra Love for SDG Sisters

This day last year my whole world got turned upside down. I had a good cry over that this morning. So lets just say I really don't like Valentine's Day right now. But I had a pretty good day regardless. I just sometimes wish I could rewrite last year, at least parts of it. I've learned lessons and grown a lot, but did I really have to do it the hard way? Watching my marriage go through the blender? NOT FUN. *lump growing in my throat*

I also want to say just how much I love being a part of the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood. It's a been a real blessing, receiving and giving love. I really look forward to Mondays/Tuesdays because of you ladies. So here's wishing you all a wonderful Valentine's Day with all my love.

Money Back College

This is so apropos to my life right now. I mean I do have a job right now, but it is short term. Financial security is a big concern of mine...

LOL

Sometimes, I feel like I talk about nothing but sad or frustrating stuff. But I do smile, and  I do laugh, I promise. Sometimes I laugh hard. Like when I'm watching Phineas and Ferb (best cartoon eva!) or reading damnyouautocorrect.com (acutally,sometimes this site makes me laugh so hard I get tears in my eyes), or reading other bloggers's posts.

My favorite line from Phineas and Ferb this week was when Vanessa Doofenshmirtz sassed her dad, and Doofenshmirtz (the evil scientist the boys' playtpus fights) replies "I am your daughter, I will stop being sarcastic and untie you".  He was tied up by Perry the Platypus with his own pants! Love that show!!!!!

I made these on disney.com, the last one came out perfect!

Fear of Revolving Doors

This past year (from February to February) has been very confusing for me. I have chosen different directions over and over. Ok, let's try this way. Oh, nope, I'm gonna close that door again. Whoa, it opened itself again.  When I describe it to my friends, I say that the door is a revolving one, that keeps spinning on me. Maybe its one of those automated revolving doors.



What is amusing about all this is that I am afraid of actual revolving doors, ever since one threw me because my friend went through it super fast. So now my life has come to resemble something I am afraid of. Also, who likes not knowing where they're going. Not me! I only hope and pray that eventually the door stops spinning. Meanwhile, I'll just do the best to honor God where I'm at.

Screaming

I feel like I am at this crossroads in my life, and I don't know what to do. I really really don't. And it makes me crazy. I hate not knowing what to do. Even praying doesn't really seem to yield an answer right now. And I know that's because God works in his own time frame. But I'm not good at patient. I want the answer right now, so I can plan for it. I know that's not how faith works. But I want it to this time.

 I am literally screaming I am so so frustrated with this confusion. I guess what I need to pray for is patience that the answer will come, not think of it as a race against time.

I wrote all that this morning, in a tense frenzy. It's still all true. I just am calmer. I know that God is in control, and if I just stay close to Him, and follow the promptings I receive,  I will be ok. It's still scary, though. And frustrating. I just have to remember not to act based on my fear or my frustration, but out of faith in God, and in my own judgement, as I pray and pray and pray for direction and strength.

Beauty

Last night I was in kind of a funk. At one point, I found myself in front of a mirror, after using the restroom. I was washing my hands and looked up at the mirror and started to pick out all of the flaws I saw. My hair was falling out of its braid, I looked tired, my pores were huge from eyebrow plucking. But then I realized what I was doing, and stopped. I smiled at myself and imagined there was a Operation Beautiful note posted on that mirror. One that said something like "Smile, you are beautiful". It made a big difference in the way I saw myself, and in my mood.

It surprised me that I had even started to pick out my "flaws". I'm not usually hyper-critical about my appearance. I enjoy wearing make-up, doing my hair, and picking out a cute outfit, but I know that my self-worth does not even come close to relying on my appearance. I'll put the self-criticism down to the fact that I was a little over-tired, and in a funk. I am so glad I could remember the messages from Operation Beautiful's blog, and pull myself away from the self-critical, damaging thoughts. I think that site is a great reminder that all women, all people, need to be less self-critical.

I also like the movement Own Your Beauty, that challenges us to accept ourselves for who we are. It doesn't mean we can't be better, but it does mean we shouldn't allow ourselves to be our own harshest critics. These are great lessons to remember, and apply to other areas in our lives outside of physical appearance, like in fulfilling our responsibilities, our dreams. We must reach towards our dreams, fulfill our responsibilities, but we should not expect ourselves to do better than our very best, which I think sometimes we do. or at least I do.

(cheesing with my roommate freshman year)

How do you remember to be true to yourself and not be your own harshest critic?

Tagged!

So my fellow blogger, Michelle, just tagged me. I now get to share 15 interesting facts about myself with you.  Hmmm....

Fact 1:  I cannot keep a manicure nice for more than a day or two. I just can't.

Fact 2:  I love watching BYU football.

Fact 3: I make awesome chocolate chip cookies. I love baking.

Fact 4: I didn't get my driver's licence until I was 22.

Fact 5:  I am totally a cat person, but think dogs are pretty cool too.

Fact 6: I am really truly stubborn. Sometimes, I forget that, and don't act it. But I am.

Fact 7: I love to dance, even if its just in my bedroom.

Fact 8:  Sometimes, I am a real ditz, very true to my blonde hair.

Fact 9:  I have different modes I switch into- my efficency mode (when I take charge of a task or situation), my psychology brain (when I see or encounter interesting human behavior and all I learned in college kicks in), and then there's just me.

Fact 10:  I run cold. I don't like cold.

Fact 11: I had a foot surgery this past June to reduce a bunion; now I can wear the shoes I want to with wayyyy less pain than before.

Fact 12: Sometimes, I whine way too much

Fact 13: I love kids, and for the most part, they love me too.

Fact 14: I love crime dramas like Bones, NCIS, and Criminal Minds. Oh, and crime comedies too. Go Psych!

Fact 15:  I am jealous of my little sister because she will graduate with a guaranteed career, and I just have no clue what I am gonna do with the rest of my life.

Wow, that was a little hard, because I've already shared stuff about me in other posts. But it was fun. Hope you actually find these facts interesting.

And, Jordan, Amanda, Jen, Kari, and Cole, you're IT!