Frustration and Focus

Some days I feel so frustrated with how stagnant my life seems. I'm a jobless bum who just sits around. I don't really have a raging social life, either (well, I did just spend a whole week with my friend...) I just feel rudderless at times. Bored, too. I don't get out enough, help others enough (ok, so I did just do some major babysitting for my friend last weekend...) I need to get some serious perspective, oh, yeah, and a JOB!

Also part of the frustration comes from the lack of ability to get my focus off of the slightly stupid idea of wanting to "come in out the cold" of single life. I just don't like being single, which might be bad... The tricky part is I'm not truly single yet; my divorce won't be final for a good while and I don't feel right dating until it is. Yet I want to date. I know I need to not focus/fixate on this.... I need to enjoy being single...whatever that means. I hate the line "Use this time to get to know yourself again" Um, I was married, not brainwashed...I am a confident 22, nearly 23, year-old woman and I know myself fairly well, maybe even better after being married. I need some advice on how to be single, I guess. HELP!

This was a just a rant post, thanks for putting up with my crazy, focus-less self

Promises

I have still have Promise me you will always remember: You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think  written on my mirror. At first, I just really liked the message; now it is a reminder of a promise I made to a friend last week to never  give up, never stop believing, to be strong. That promise is holding me together right now when all I want to do is throw in the towel.

 I was doing pretty well lately, but old emotions have been stirred up again, and I am just heavy-hearted. It's even more than just the significant thing that happened last week, it's stirring up memories of my marriage by seeing a box of my stuff, by reading a harmless book. I just want to heal, I also wish my marriage hadn't died, I want it back sooo bad some days. I really am doing ok, but I still hurt so bad sometimes.

I really truly feel like the promise my friend had me make is my glue until I am closer to ok again. I'm thankful for small mercies such as this one.

edit: while I do believe that the promise I'm clinging to was a grace from God, I have to remember that I should cling to God first and foremost. I was reminded of this while listening to the song Everything Falls from Fee:
When everything falls apart Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart You're the only hope for this heart.

Late Nights

Something significant happened this past week, something private, something a little painful, and its got me staying up late at night because I'm a little tangled up again. I don't know quite how to put it away, back on the shelf really, so I can sleep o' nights again.  Oh, life. Life, life, crazy, mixed up life.

But I am grateful for my wonderful friends, who always help to put a postive spin on my life. I wouldn't make it through without them, or God, and I think God sends me, all of us, friends to be there when he can't.

So, thanks for putting up with the ramblings of a gal up at 2:30 am. I just felt the need to write it out a little.

Christmas Joys

So, it was way too late Thursday night when I got home to blog, so I decide to just tally all the joys and just blog today; Merry Christmas everyone!

So joys starting with early, early Thursday morning:

66) Catching up with a true friend who sincerely cares about me via a sweet, albeit late night, phone call. 

67) Finding candy in my knee-high boots. I hung them up on the shelves at my friend's house to try and keep them from getting covered in dog hair. They were hanging near the stockings, and as a joke, someone put candy in them as if they were stockings. I discovered it whilst trying to put the boots on. 

68) My friend, whom I spent most of the week with at her house, and I went with her mother to visit an elderly friend of the mother's. She is this sweet German woman who I knew in my childhood. She was so sweet, with her old-country hospitality tradition of giving gifts of food to her visitors, in this case a bag and a jar of cookies.

69) After that, we went to the area's LDS bookstore, where we ran into an old youth leader of my friend's and mine. She was there with her daughter, who has grown so much. It was a true joy to see her again, it's been a few years.

70) After returning home, I got a cheeseburger for lunch, exactly what I had been craving. Yum.

71) Then we watched a cute re-make of Ice Castles. Cute movie.

72) I was feeling a little low, I still deal with a little depression every now and then, but my friend had some really great new perspectives on my situation.

73) Then she did my hair up all pretty :)

74) I went with her and her family to their Writer's Group Christmas pot-luck. I got to see a few old friends there, and overall the gathering was a lot of fun. 

Then I went to my Thursday church class, where I found a lot of joys. 

75) Again I ran into old friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love that part about the Christmas season. 

76) My cousin was there, and gave me one of her amazing hugs. I needed hugs. 

77) I love my new friend K, she is such a cutie. She has dubbed herself  my best friend :) One of them, sure.

78) She said the funniest things that night after class. One was that she's around, I'm not allowed to be sad.

79) She also said, "Look at my socks, they'll make you happy" They were cute pink argyle socks.

80) And my favorite was in the middle of a totally unrelated conversation, she randomly said " My tree has no topper" (as in her Christmas tree). It was too funny, because it was sooo random.

81) After class, there are continuous games of volleyball until midnight. I love watching and playing. 

82) My friend, G, was there. He is a big guy, and he is so funny to watch when he's playing volleyball, especially his angst when he misses the ball or hits it too hard. Also funny was watching him laugh so hard he could barely breathe.

83) Watching another guy friend shake his butt to a song as a distraction technique on the volleyball court. LOL

84) I also love the music playing while volleyball is played. I love music and dancing!

85) After class, I was so excited to be HOME after a whole week away due to various factors. I was so glad to see my bed, even my remote control. It was silly and wonderful.

86) I got to put some ornaments on the tree when I got home. I loved that.

87) I LOVE the smell of a live pine Christmas tree. Mmmm.

88) I brought home my mother' gift and placed it under the tree, she was excited. 

89) I loved being home with my family on Christmas Eve.

90) Especially watching my brother's antics about his presents. He was too funny, as were his crazy hiccups.

91) I found an extra left corrective vision contact I didn't think I had.  YAY

92) We went to my aunt's home for Christmas Eve pizza. Yum

93) I got to help make the pizza. :)

94) She gave us both versions of the Parent Trap on DVD for Christmas. I'm excited. 

95) We watched White Christmas and Miracle on 34th St on AMC. Its not Christmas without the classic movies.

Let's cut to Christmas morning and wrap up this 100 lists. I really did find 100 joys before Christmas, it's truly an answer to prayer, its been a great journey. 

96) I made sure Mom opened her gifts first. We got her pots and pans, which she was very grateful to get.

97) I got some great stuff, the promise of clothes money in the form of a wooden paper doll, some nice smelling shower stuff, cute pajamas, and a foam gingerbread house as a joke in reference to our failed attempt at gingerbread house.  I colored the doll and her extra clothes, and made the gingerbread house ;)

98) Sitting around together after opening gifts has always been one of my favorite parts of Christmas.

99) We had a traditional Christmas dinner together, ham, green bean casserole, yams with marshmallows, rolls, and corn. We set the table pretty and sat down to eat :)

100) I am again, so happy to have a Savior who was born in Bethelem, come to save us all. M

Merry Christmas to all. Thank you, once more, Sarah, for this wonderful challenge that filled my Christmas season with a little extra joy.  

Late Evening Joys

I thought about editing this in to the last post, but believe that it deserves its own post.

64) I took a moment, while my friend is talking to her parents for the moment, to pray and draw near to God. Visiting friends, especially staying over, usually means my usual time spent worshiping and seeking God gets set aside. So it was so nice to have a moment to really, truly pray, pouring my heart out until I felt the peace of God wash over me.

65) I am so grateful for my Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ who came to save us all. I love a Book of Mormon scripture that says we are to rely wholly (or completely) on the merits of him who is mighty to save (2 Nephi 31:19). I am so thankful for His atoning sacrifice that makes it possible for me to commune with God, to live more abundantly (John 10:10), and to return to live with my Father in Heaven once more.

There are my more spiritual joys of the week so far. I have been challenged by the friend who I am visiting with to find the remaining 35 joys in the next three days. So I am going to be praying hard to see joy all around me. Here goes.

Joys Day 9

So today was a little slower but here are a few things. I am still staying at my friend's house right now, planning to make it home by Christmas Eve.

57) Eggs and sausage for breakfast. That's two hot breakfasts in a row; usually I just skip breakfast so this has been a real treat. I am loving this.

58) I played Christmas elf again today. I love Christmas time.

59) My friend's sister and I played with the sound cards in the grocery store. I love greeting cards.


60)I got to take a nap after shopping. It was a nice reprieve from all the people. And the bed I napped in had these awesome fleece sheets.

61) Hearing all about my friends' blossoming relationship. I'm excited to see where this might take them.

62) Playing In A Pickle with my friends. It's a fun game with words.

63) While playing we listened to my Christmas playlist full of religious songs. I love intentionally inviting the Holy Ghost into my heart.

So yeah, slow day. I am stillll at my friend's house. This is how visiting works when you don't have a car/live kinda far away.  We are going to the movies tomorrow, then after my church class tomorrow I will make it home with another friend who lives in my own town.

Joy Day 8

So I'm still chugging along in this challenge.

49)  French Toast for breakfast! My best friend whose house I am staying at asked this morning if we wanted French toast or oatmeal. That was an obvious answer.

50) Talking up a storm after breakfast. It was good to catch up with both friends.


51) We took a long walk with the dog. It was a brisk day, but definitely warmer than yesterday. That alone made me happy.

52) Thinking up the birthday present for our best friend/other best friend's boyfriend. We gave him play doh in different gift bags with a puzzle note. We got such a kick out of putting it together.

53) Going to the birthday party. It was a fun party, we had pizza, played Apples to Apples, and watched Murder by Death. What a funny movie.

54) Another old friend I haven't seen in a long while was at the party with his fiancée. It was so good to see him and meet her.

55) I played Christmas elf. I have to leave it at that for now.

56) Hanging out late at night after the party. With my ... friend. LOL


My life is a mess, let me tell ya, but its good.

Day in D.C. Joys

I am having a hard time blogging tonight; I had a fun full day, and I'm just tired. I went into Washington D.C. with my some of my very best friends. It was a great day.

41) Meeting my friends in D.C. topped my list today.

42) I found out that two of my closest friends (guy and girl) have started dating. It took me a bit, but I do think it is cute.

43) We had lunch with the guy's dad where he works at a government building. It was fun to sit and talk at lunch. The dad has known me all my life, so it was good to see him.

44) I bought a book today, The Twelve Days of Christmas in Washington, D.C. I grew up right outside D.C., so this book really speaks to me, and I look forward to sharing it with future children. Also, the money went to a good cause, which relieves my anxiety at spending money when I'm unemployed, a bit.

45) We visited the National Cathedral today, a beautiful, large Episcopalian church in D.C.  It is very beautiful, and has a tower with an extraordinary view of DC and the surrounding areas.

46) After we walked through the cathedral, we had to stand outside to wait for our ride, when the cathedral closed. We all (three girls, one boy, huddled close together to stay warm. It was amusing.

47) I took the time to catch up with my best friend's mom (diff friend than the one whose dad we ate lunch with). She is a surrogate mom, and she noticed something that someone else did yesterday, I'm more vivacious than before. Good to know that I'm recovering well from my heartbreak.

48) A good old fashioned sleep over. :)


So all in all, a great day. Now I'm watching a movie with my girl friends, all spending the night at one girl's house, (minus the new boyfriend, also known as old friend). Very fun.

Early Christmas Joys

Crazy how I've been blogging daily. Before I blogged so erratically. I might blog a little less after this challenge, but definitely more regularly.


34) One of the great joys of babysitting is when you give the children back to their parents. After babysitting for well over 12 hrs, it was a relief to give those cute girls back to their mom. Good thing it'll be a little while yet before I'm a parent myself.


35) After the holiday itself, my favorite part of Christmas is all my friends coming home on break. Several of my friends were back in town from school and it was so  very good to see them at church, even if my responsibilities in the nursery limited the time I got to see them.


36) But my favorite person that I got to see after a long time was my cousin. He was away for 2 years on a mission for our church, and he came down to my ward (congregation) for a family event. I was so excited to see him standing there in the hall. :D


37) Spending the afternoon with my big family was so wonderful. I have six younger siblings (full and step) and then there was my parents, my step-grandparents and uncle, my grandma, and my recently returned cousin. It was so awesome to be all together.


38) My step-grandma has Alzheimer's, which is so hard for me to see her go through, so my step-mom made us all t-shirts with our names on them to see if she would interact more. It didn't make a big impact, because the size of the crowd was a little overwhelming. But seeing her light up every time she saw the shirt that her son was wearing, that said Schmuncle, which is what his nieces and nephews call him, was worth it for me. 


39) We had a big Christmas dinner tonight. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows, ham, rolls, my step-mom's mac and cheese. Yum, yum!


40) We also exchanged gifts tonight, since my dad works on Christmas. That was fun, especially seeing how much my step-grandma enjoyed her gifts. 


I think that's it for tonight. A little less than halfway to a hundred. My goal is to finish this by New Year's, right now. We'll see how joy filled this next week is! 

Babysitting Joys

So I spent the day babysitting for my dear friend while she and her hubby have a solo weekend. It was a pleasure, seeing as I love her three little girls very much. And her two kittens are pretty sweet too.

29) One of the kitties snuggling me on and off all day :)

30) Little girl snuggles are even better.

31) The oldest girl called me mommy 5 or 6 times today. It cracked me up.

32) Hugs and kisses at bedtime.

33) Doing the dishes, after putting the girls to bed, was surprisingly a joy tonight. I think it was because it was doing it as a favor for a friend, and not as a chore at home.

Yeah, I had a ton of fun today, we watched movies and played games. I'm looking forward to being a mom someday, but for now, I'm glad I'm giving these precious little ones back to their mother tomorrow.

Out of Patience, Still Finding Joy

Does your patience ever just disappear? Mine did tonight while I was babysitting. It just vanished, but I still managed to find joy in the day.

24) My first joy of the day was this beautiful post about how Christmas still comes even if our life isn't perfect: When You're Not Ready for Christmas

25) I love cheesy Lifetime Christmas movies, like A Boyfriend For Christmas and Hallmark ones too.

26) I love the snuggles I get when I babysit.

27) I was babysitting an 18-mo-old and his older sister. The 18-mo-old just learned to say thank you, and it is sooo sweet when he does.

28) The easy part of babysitting- when you've got them in bed and you're just hanging out. :)

I need to stop just lounging around, and doing more to create joy. I think the best joy I could find would be to get a job, but that will come. I am looking forward to this weekend, I have another babysitting job, my favorite kids, tomorrow, and Sunday my dad is celebrating Christmas. Lots of joys coming.

Day 3

I wasn't looking as hard today, but there were still joys.

19) SNOW!!! It snowed here in Southern MD today. I love love love snow, it is so so pretty.

20) Subsequently, I loved teasing my friend who doesn't like snow.

21) Fun songs like Dynamite by Taio Cruz and Club Can't Handle Me by Flo Rida ft. David Guetta. I love dancing to those songs and musta played them 5 times each while I was getting dinner ready. Good thing my younger brother was napping or he woulda killed me. 

22)We drove around looking for a Christmas tree tonight, unsucessfully, but seeing all the Christmas lights was wonderful.

23) Singing Christmas songs in the car with my mom was also fun. :)

I was pretty lazy today, so that's about it. Here's to finding 87 more. 

Joys Abound

Day two of finding joys, and I find that they are surprisingly easy to spot, despite the various difficulties in my life.

9) Renewing hope for the future, as I read the testimonies shared through the blogs of faithful Christian women, testimonies that remind me that God is always there and through him, my future is always bright.

 10) Watching Gilmore Girls episode Love, War, and Snow from season 1. Love me some Gilmore Girls, especially the ones about snow.

 11) I love the sleep button on my TV remote. Courtesy of the ex-hubs, I now fall asleep to the TV.  Thanks to my lovely sleep button, I can make it so the TV turns off on its own and doesn't wake me up right before I fall into deeper sleep. Almost every night, I say out loud how much I love that button.

12) I took one of the suggestions from Rachel Olsen's blog on preparing for Christmas, and relaxed in a bath while listening to Christmas carols. It was super relaxing and peaceful.

13) Specifically, I really enjoyed listening to Christmas Offering from Casting Crowns. It really helped me to think about the meaning of Christmas, the birth of my Savior.

14) I also rediscovered on of my favorite Christmas songs from my childhood, Picture A Christmas. I forgot how much I loved that song.

15)  I loved finding a comment on my blog, and knowing I am sharing this journey with other bloggers to find 100 joys. Thanks again, Sarah, for this wonderful challenge!

16) Courtesy of my commenter, from the blog It is A Beautiful Ride, I listened a little more carefully to the Lady Antebellum song, Hello World. I really do love those lyrics:
Hello world
How’ve you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I’m never going to heal
I see a light
A little grace, a little faith unfurled
Hello world

I really identify with feeling as cold as steel, and like I'm never gonna heal, but this song gives me hope. 

17) This one comes from tooling around on YouTube. I love this parody of the Old Spice commercial from Sesame Street: Smell Like A Monster. It just puts a big smile on my face.

18) And the final joy for today's blog is watching Prep and Landing on ABC Family with my mom, who just loves it. And I do too. :)

So, 10 days til Christmas. I may finish this by then, maybe by the New Year, but it is definitely making my Christmas season merrier.  

More Joys

I feel a little silly posting twice in one day, but I want to continue adding joys to my list, before I forget them. I will try to keep it down to one post per day after today.  


3) The little gingerbread village my family tried to put together. It's a little sad and pathetic, but it was fun to do it together. 


4) I added a few things to my Christmas decorations collection today, and put out my little Christmas village on my dresser. I LOVE Christmas.


5) Watching It's A Wonderful Life with my family. 


6) Making chocolate chip cookies for my family, enough to fill the cookie jar :)


7) My mom told me tonight me how grateful she is to have me here this Christmas, and thankful for all the effort I am putting into making Christmas a little more special this year, especially for my brothers. Hearing her say that helps me feel like I'm going in the right direction, even when life still feels a little wrong. 


 8)The last one for the night is the post-it message of the day from Operation Beautiful: "Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!" Operation Beautiful is this wonderful site with the mission of changing the way women see themselves by posting notes around in public places. I love that. I feel like I have healthy self-image, but I know sometimes I think too negatively. I always feel uplifted after visiting the site. 

Joy

So I just stumbled onto Sarah Markley's challenge to find a hundred joys. I need this challenge right now. This divorce (long, ugly process that it is) is all ups and downs. Right now I'm kinda down, I feel my heart hardening again. So instead of letting myself dwell on all that is hard in my life, cuz it is just hard sometimes, I want to focus on finding joy.  The first one I'm gonna borrow from Sarah.
1) The scripture she shared on the second day warmed my heart. Scripture always does bring me the most joy and peace. It was Psalm 51:8  , Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.  I love the scriptures, and the Psalms are always so beautiful. 


2) is a little more superficial. But I love my new boots and red scarf and red beret.  I just love feeling cute! I wish I had a good camera so I could show you. Maybe I will have my stepmom take a picture this weekend and I will edit it in. 


Here's to finding 98 more joys! 

Painful Nostalgia

I miss the sweet way my ex was affectionate: our MWUAHs, being his baby girl; I know I will find something better. But all I wanted was him. Really truly. But he turned out to not be reliable, not someone I could count on to, spend the rest of my life with. Oh how it hurts sometimes. :( Its getting better, but oh baby I miss our sweet, sweet beginnings....

I Don't Understand

 I've been thinking, as much as I try not to, over the last couple of days about how my ex just gave up.  Marriage is about commitment, but he just didn't try to make it work. I gave it everything; I keep reading about how marriage is bigger than just being together, its a covenant, commitment, and you work at it because part of what you promised was that walking away wasn't an option after making such serious promises. I'm really a little burned now. Trust is gonna come slow next time...I hate this, I hate that I wanted to be married ONCE, and that it didn't last, that it feels like I failed, even though we've both acknowledged I'm not at fault. I hate hurting, I hate reliving it all in my mind. *sigh*

A New Life

So I am on my own again. Currently I'm living with my wonderful mother (moms are truly angels!). I am still trying to believe in happily ever now, it just looks a little different now. I still have so much to be grateful for in my life, and so much to give. I am continually blessed with incredible friends, opportunities to serve, and chances to grow. I am hoping to get a little better at this blogging thing, and using it as a place to share my thoughts and insights, my blessings and joys in life.

Behold God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation. (Isaiah 12:2, 2 Nephi 22:2)

Rejoice!

My husband and I are working things out! I am so thrilled. It is all I have been praying for, and many of my friends as well. Our God is truly a great God, and he does answer our prayers. :D

So to celebrate and strengthen this wonderful endeavor, I am going to participate in Women Living Well's Completing Him Challenge - Be the woman your man needs.

This weeks challenge is simple- announce that I am doing it! I like that- intention is the first step. I am intent on strengthening my marriage- stating my goal makes it more real. I am so glad my husband had a change of heart. I am so proud of him. I even bought a shirt to wear the first time we get to see each other when I fly home from school next week. The shirt is from the Union28 store, and says My Husband Rocks. And he does, for giving our marriage a second chance! Ooh, and a THREE DOLLAR pair of spanking new jeans!

So stay tuned in for how I learn to "complete" my awesome man!

He forgot

So I went back and reread an email from when I was engaged and (ex)hubby was deployed. He was telling the story of our relationship: "I'll never forget that I won, and I will never forgot that Cheerio likes me better, and that I'm cuter... I will never forget a summer spent in a hammock, no ma'am." But he did. He forgot of all this and just moved on. And even if I will be better off and happier with the next guy, this hurts so much!!!!!

...He asked for a divorce...and I just wanna scream. I am doing ok, making plans. But all I want, really, is to FIX THIS. I can't, its out of my control. And that's hard for me.

Realization

I think I let myself disappear into being his wife, losing a piece of me, and maybe pushed him away. My goal this deployment is to be me. To really find my independence so we can develop a healthier interdependence when he gets home. Wow. I wanted a perfect marriage so bad that I endangered it by not being myself. Not all the time, but enough. Wow. OK. New beginning.