...He asked for a divorce...and I just wanna scream. I am doing ok, making plans. But all I want, really, is to FIX THIS. I can't, its out of my control. And that's hard for me.

Realization

I think I let myself disappear into being his wife, losing a piece of me, and maybe pushed him away. My goal this deployment is to be me. To really find my independence so we can develop a healthier interdependence when he gets home. Wow. I wanted a perfect marriage so bad that I endangered it by not being myself. Not all the time, but enough. Wow. OK. New beginning.

Prayer

Prayer is a wonderful gift from God. To know that he is there and listening to me gives me strength. I feel his power in my life as I pray. I recently read some advice about surviving deployment that advised to pray for your deployed spouse when you are missing them most. Reaching out to my Father in Heaven in prayer to bless my beloved, I feel the Holy Ghost buoying me up in the sea of loneliness. The power of prayer is real, and selfless prayer is even more so.

when I bow my head tonight
there'll be no me, myself, and I
just watch my wife and kids please Lord
that's all I ask for anymore
-Trace Adkins

Defining Home

I have this habit of saying "I wanna go home" when I don't feel good. It made me stop and think about what home is to me. Now that I'm married, and since I've been dating Alan, really, home is where he is ...or where there is a sense of us. A place that we have made our own and filled with things big and small that represent us. Right now we don't have that place. We're living with mom and it has been kinda hard to establish a sense of us in the small space we have. Not that it can't be done in a small space, but our space is made smaller by mom's stuff that is still here, and by the lack of privacy. With my husband away, I just don't feel at home. I mean, I know I grew up here, but it's not home anymore.

When my husband gets home, we are finally getting our own place. I can't stop thinking about it. I daydream about organzing my kitchen, about the placement of our books and photo albums. I just inherited an album of his baby pictures, which is so perfect. And there's the fireman with Mickey Mouse figurine we bought at Disneyland. Just things that make it our home. A home isn't just things, of course, it is a place christened by the love between two people, love that will eventually create a family.

Home is in the arms of my sailor.

First

I've made this blog as a place to express myself freely. I am nearly 21, I have been married for nearly 2 months. I am very happily married to a member of the US Navy. He is the best husband a girl could ask for. We currently live in MD and love the area. :)

I guess that is it for the first post. Most posts will just be pieces about what's going on with me and how I feel.