My Heart Aches

I was a Navy wife for less than 2 years, a Navy fiancée before that, and a Navy girlfriend since 2007. I loved that role. I loved the support I gave my sailor, the unique lifestyle and challenges. I was up to it; my sailor didn't want me anymore.  I read blogs by military wives and my heart just aches to have that lifestyle back. I want to a military wife, I want to support my country and my love that way, but that just does not seem to be my path anymore. I will ever be grateful for the short time that it was, though, because of the true empathy it gives me to share with those who are still with their wonderful military men, especially my close friend whose husband just left on deployment for a year.  I just wish I still had it, too (even when I feel that I am where I'm supposed to be).

Five Fun Facts

Here are 5 fun facts about me:

1. I am totally and completely addicted to books. My friends even tested this last Friday, if there is a book lying around, I pick it up and read the back. I used to wish the security guards would keep me out of the library during finals.

2. I love music. I listen to it constantly.

3. I am a Gilmore Girls addict. I love that show with their fast wit and the mother-daughter relationship.

4. My dream job in life is to work with teenagers, to inspire them to be all they can be.

5. I have zero luck when it comes to electronics, I have killed countless phones, almost 3 iPods,  2 laptops...its bad. We call it my curse.

That's a little bit more about me, and how crazy I am. Feel free to share a fun fact or two about yourself in the comments. I would love to get to know any readers I have a little bit better.

Struggling to Find My Way to Coherent

I have been trying for a couple of days now to write a coherent post to share all that is going through my mind. I wanted to write a post to introduce myself a little more. I wanted to explain why I chose hope. I wanted to share the way my divorce pulls my heart into a thousand pieces time and time and time again. Yet I cannot string together a decent post no matter how hard I try. And I usually am pretty good at writing.

To introduce myself, I will say that I like to be honest about my struggles, about my life. My name is Rachel, I am almost 23 years old. I am the oldest of 7, counting my 3 biological siblings and my 3 step-siblings and me. I have three great parents, my mom, my dad, and my step-mom. My parents divorced when I was about 15, and now a little less than 10 years later, I am going through my own divorce. If I had the chance to write a letter to me at 13, I wouldn't. At least not until I have some more positive stuff to say. Oh hey, hon, your parents are about to divorce, and in 10 years, you'll be going through your own. Oh, and you did graduate from college. Yeah, that is not a big enough achievement to overshadow all the negative, not to a 13-year-old at least, who can barely breathe through all the new hormones in her system.

So, that's why I chose hope, because I have to have hope that my life will get better, or I might just go crazy. I do have a wonderful family, and I do love my dad's new family, I am basically recovered from my parents divorce; I have Christ in my life through my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; I am a college grad. I have a lot going for me, and I don't forget that. But the pain of a divorce is monumental, and overwhelming some days.  But I do truly have hope that my afflictions shall be but a small moment (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7)

Was this maybe too honest, too raw? You tell me. Tomorrow, I'll post 5 fun facts about me to lighten the mood.

My Feelings towards the US Military (a reflection I wanted to share)

I was (still sort of am) a Navy wife. It was an honor to me. I loved supporting our military in that way. I am so proud of the men and women who serve our country in Navy, Army, Air Force, Marine Corps, and the Coast Guard. I am very aware of the sacrifices they and their families make to keep our nation safe and am so so so grateful for their service. 

I am especially proud of my little sister, who will be commissioned as an Army officer in about a year and a half. She still hasn’t decided whether or not she’ll be going the route of active duty, but regardless of the path she takes, it’s a wonderful thing she’s doing.  And yet, I’ll still always hold the Navy a little higher in my esteem than the Army, or any other branch. I got closer to the workings of the Navy, I guess.  

To wrap this post up in one sentence, I still get choked up thinking about the men and women serving in our military and all they do for us at the cost of time with their families and what we consider a normal life. That normal life that we owe to their sacrifices.  Thank you. 

Defining

I am truly inspired by how much of a community One Word 2011 has become.  Honestly, I just like linking up for the connection it gives me to other bloggers, and hey, I get more hits on my blog. I realize, though, I read through my comments, that people are now looking to me for what I have to say about hope. It’s like having an accountability partner, and I like that. I like that I am being held to the commitment to embrace this theme of hope in my life. Beause living with hope sounds like a wonderful idea. Especially if my hope is anchored in my Savior.

So I decided to look up some definitions for the word hope. I went to dictionary.com and found this:

–noun

1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that eventswill turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is littleor no hope of his recovery.

4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: Themedicine was her last hope.

5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constanthope.

–verb (used with object)

6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will besatisfactory.

–verb (used without object)

8.to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for anearly spring.

9.Archaic . to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in ).

I really like 4, 6, and 9. These are definitions of a more solid hope, the kind of hope I want to have. Trust in God, with a more than reasonable confidence that I can rely on Him. I have always believed that I am strong in my faith and commitment to God, but feel that really learning to center my hope in Him this year, I will draw even closer to him than before. 

US Postal Service - Creepy Clown Doll Commercial - HD

I already posted today, but I have to share this commercial. It makes me laugh every time. Oh, yeah, that's gotta go!

Something New

Something new in 2011. The challenge to share what kind of newness I have planned comes from one of my favorite inspirational blogs, (in)courage. Well, I'll be honest. I don't know what's in store for me.  I'm feeling kinda lost right now. 2010 was a rather hard year, what with the end of my marriage...well part of me still hopes my marriage is salvageable, but most of me knows it's not...Excuse the ramble. Suffice to say, I am really floundering, jobless, soon-to-be divorced, and a little purposeless.

But hey, I graduated from college last year, so that was good, a big achievement! I have a BS in Psychology, and I think one new thing I will do this year is to get certified as a psychiatric technician. That will open all sorts of new doors for me as I hunt for a job. Other new things: well I hope to have a car very soon, my first car. That will be new and exciting.

But no real focus yet. I am looking hard for focus, praying hard that God has something marvelous and new in store that I just can't see yet. I look forward to whatever newness 2011 will bring with my hope firmly centered in my Savior. Bring on the new!