Fear of Revolving Doors

This past year (from February to February) has been very confusing for me. I have chosen different directions over and over. Ok, let's try this way. Oh, nope, I'm gonna close that door again. Whoa, it opened itself again.  When I describe it to my friends, I say that the door is a revolving one, that keeps spinning on me. Maybe its one of those automated revolving doors.



What is amusing about all this is that I am afraid of actual revolving doors, ever since one threw me because my friend went through it super fast. So now my life has come to resemble something I am afraid of. Also, who likes not knowing where they're going. Not me! I only hope and pray that eventually the door stops spinning. Meanwhile, I'll just do the best to honor God where I'm at.

Screaming

I feel like I am at this crossroads in my life, and I don't know what to do. I really really don't. And it makes me crazy. I hate not knowing what to do. Even praying doesn't really seem to yield an answer right now. And I know that's because God works in his own time frame. But I'm not good at patient. I want the answer right now, so I can plan for it. I know that's not how faith works. But I want it to this time.

 I am literally screaming I am so so frustrated with this confusion. I guess what I need to pray for is patience that the answer will come, not think of it as a race against time.

I wrote all that this morning, in a tense frenzy. It's still all true. I just am calmer. I know that God is in control, and if I just stay close to Him, and follow the promptings I receive,  I will be ok. It's still scary, though. And frustrating. I just have to remember not to act based on my fear or my frustration, but out of faith in God, and in my own judgement, as I pray and pray and pray for direction and strength.

Beauty

Last night I was in kind of a funk. At one point, I found myself in front of a mirror, after using the restroom. I was washing my hands and looked up at the mirror and started to pick out all of the flaws I saw. My hair was falling out of its braid, I looked tired, my pores were huge from eyebrow plucking. But then I realized what I was doing, and stopped. I smiled at myself and imagined there was a Operation Beautiful note posted on that mirror. One that said something like "Smile, you are beautiful". It made a big difference in the way I saw myself, and in my mood.

It surprised me that I had even started to pick out my "flaws". I'm not usually hyper-critical about my appearance. I enjoy wearing make-up, doing my hair, and picking out a cute outfit, but I know that my self-worth does not even come close to relying on my appearance. I'll put the self-criticism down to the fact that I was a little over-tired, and in a funk. I am so glad I could remember the messages from Operation Beautiful's blog, and pull myself away from the self-critical, damaging thoughts. I think that site is a great reminder that all women, all people, need to be less self-critical.

I also like the movement Own Your Beauty, that challenges us to accept ourselves for who we are. It doesn't mean we can't be better, but it does mean we shouldn't allow ourselves to be our own harshest critics. These are great lessons to remember, and apply to other areas in our lives outside of physical appearance, like in fulfilling our responsibilities, our dreams. We must reach towards our dreams, fulfill our responsibilities, but we should not expect ourselves to do better than our very best, which I think sometimes we do. or at least I do.

(cheesing with my roommate freshman year)

How do you remember to be true to yourself and not be your own harshest critic?

Tagged!

So my fellow blogger, Michelle, just tagged me. I now get to share 15 interesting facts about myself with you.  Hmmm....

Fact 1:  I cannot keep a manicure nice for more than a day or two. I just can't.

Fact 2:  I love watching BYU football.

Fact 3: I make awesome chocolate chip cookies. I love baking.

Fact 4: I didn't get my driver's licence until I was 22.

Fact 5:  I am totally a cat person, but think dogs are pretty cool too.

Fact 6: I am really truly stubborn. Sometimes, I forget that, and don't act it. But I am.

Fact 7: I love to dance, even if its just in my bedroom.

Fact 8:  Sometimes, I am a real ditz, very true to my blonde hair.

Fact 9:  I have different modes I switch into- my efficency mode (when I take charge of a task or situation), my psychology brain (when I see or encounter interesting human behavior and all I learned in college kicks in), and then there's just me.

Fact 10:  I run cold. I don't like cold.

Fact 11: I had a foot surgery this past June to reduce a bunion; now I can wear the shoes I want to with wayyyy less pain than before.

Fact 12: Sometimes, I whine way too much

Fact 13: I love kids, and for the most part, they love me too.

Fact 14: I love crime dramas like Bones, NCIS, and Criminal Minds. Oh, and crime comedies too. Go Psych!

Fact 15:  I am jealous of my little sister because she will graduate with a guaranteed career, and I just have no clue what I am gonna do with the rest of my life.

Wow, that was a little hard, because I've already shared stuff about me in other posts. But it was fun. Hope you actually find these facts interesting.

And, Jordan, Amanda, Jen, Kari, and Cole, you're IT!

Live In It

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance, but live right in it, under its roof." -Barbara Kingsolver, found via finestquotes.com

I love that. Live right in it! That's exactly what I feel the whole One Word movement is all about, living right in the word we have chosen. My word just happens to be hope, and fits right in the quote above.

 I know that I hope in my Savior, and that I truly want to live in that hope. I want everything I do to find its beginnings in the hope I place in my Savior. I don't want to act out of fear or desperation or anything else but hope: trust and faith in God that he will direct me for good (Alma 37:37). I want to live under hope's roof, to make it my anchor  (Heb. 6:19, Ether 12:4), letting it make me sure and steadfast.  Hope is powerful, my friends.

Linking up with Jen at Finding Heaven. :)

Blizzard Blog Hop 2011

Welcome to Happily Ever Now. This blog is where I express myself and connect with others. My name is Rachel, I am going to be 23 a week from tomorrow.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, in colloquial terms, a Mormon. I believe that I am a child of God, that my Heavenly Father sent Jesus Christ to be my Savior, and that I can return to live with them someday if I am obedient to the laws and principles of the gospel.

I just graduated from Brigham Young University last August with a B.S. in Psychology. I want to work with teenagers after I get my master's degree. (I'm taking my GREs for the first time in a week....its gonna be a practice run, I can just tell..)

 Right now I am living with my mom after separating from my husband, a US Navy sailor. I miss him every day, and hope that maybe we could make our way back to each other. But if not, I'll just plug along and find a new life, new love.

A big focus for my blog this year is One Word 2011. My word is hope, and I am blogging about my journey with this word.

Welcome, new readers, and love to those who already read.

Hope Is

Hope is scary
Hope is hard
Hope is painful

I am learning to hope in the Lord,  but I am also hoping for specific things.  Things I want, and am trying to determine if they are what the Lord wants for me. The hope for these things, events, people, could not come to fruition, and that makes is scary to hope, hard to hope, painful to hope. That's why the core of my hope is in my Savior, and what he has planned for me. Why I pray to see if my hopes are aligned with His plans. But even if they are, I can't control anymore than my own actions, and neither will God. He may plan something, and influence us, guide us. But he can't guide us if we aren't seeking Him. So I hope for something, but know that it may not happen. And that is just terrifying.

 But I know that God will catch me if everything falls through, that his works are not frustrated when people exercise their free agency. He just adapts. And I can trust in that, hope in that. That makes hope beautiful and safe.

Hope is beautiful
Hope is safe