Hurting Still

I'm so ready to be done hurting. I am so ready to be able to breathe freely again. But I know that all things happen in God's timing, not mine. I know what it feels like when God lifts a burden, and trust that he will lift this one, but it can't come soon enough.

I still love my ex very much, and wish he weren't so broken. I wish we could fix this, but know we can't. I know that something very good will come out of all this, that no experience is wasted. But does it have to hurt so so much?

I just HURT!

Linking up with Jen.

Sunday Will Come

A beautiful Easter message given in a soothing tone. You are missed, Elder Wirthlin. Thank you for the reminder that Sunday will always come!

Talking It Out

I still feel so hurt sometimes, angry, sad, and abandoned. I feel like my husband just gave up, just walked away, which he did. The rejection and abandonment hurt so much. I am starting to see my future for what it is: bright and full of possibility, but I still feel just so empty sometimes. I am just grateful for a wonderful loving support system of friends and family. Most especially I am grateful for my God.

I know that God will never ever abandon me or reject me. I may reject him but he will NEVER reject me. It is wonderful to be loved by a perfect, loving, compassionate Being. That love He offers me will fill all the empty places inside of me.

temple in Tokyo

I am also grateful for my belief that families can be forever. That if we make and keep covenants with God, our familial associations can be perpetuated beyond the grave. That we can link ourselves to generations past and future and nothing save personal wickedness can sever those links. What an incredible blessing. Marriage and family cease to be til death do us part when we are married in God's temples and stay faithful to those covenants.  I love that promise!



Linking up with Jen.

Wow! The Memories!

My best friend just found the neatest thing: a livejournal that she and I shared for like two and a half years. It is full of all sorts of memories: school, achievements, boys (of course!). It is just so much fun to look at!

We kept it very much as a daily record of what was going on in our lives. It was our way of keeping up with each other. Very different from the style of this blog, which is much more of an emotional record than a record of my daily activities. I like both styles, and might begin to to blend them a little more here.

I went to the closest military base alone for the first time today. It was an extremely bittersweet first. I love being able to go places and do things on my own, but this just felt somewhat wrong. Like I should be there with my military spouse, but I'm not....I'm just using the privileges until I lose them when the divorce is finalized....Life took such a funny turn. Good thing I know God's in control.

Happy Thursday, y'all! (This is my favorite day of the week cuz I have my church institute class, and get to see all my friends!)

Through His Eyes

Sometimes I am more than frustrated with my life. A broken marriage, living with my mom, not yet really settled on a direction in life. It is all too much. But then I pause, and try to look at my life through the eyes of Someone much wiser than me.

In His eyes, I am loved and valued more than I can comprehend. I am never forgotten by Him. He has a plan for my life, that is not frustrated by the missteps of man. None of this comes as a surprise to Him. I believe that just as the Savior grieved with Mary and Martha at the grave of Lazarus, mere moments before reuniting them, He grieves with me over my broken dreams before bringing me into new, beautiful dreams.

When I take a look through new eyes, God's eyes, I am energized, restored. I have hope that life is beautiful, and will continue to become even more beautiful as I strive to follow my Savior.

found @ weheartit

Abound in Hope

Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that ye may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Ghost.

I love every line of this scripture. They all just carry such a punch!

First: Now may the God of hope. Our God is a God of hope. He has given us the Atonement that we may find hope, not be in despair. (A thought I borrowed from a dear friend who spoIke in church on Sunday). To quote a favorite hymn: I stand all amazed! (I Stand All Amazed)

Next: fill you will all joy and peace. God wants us to have joy! He wants us to have peace! I love the description of peace that says true peace is not when our outer circumstances are at peace, but when we find peace in spite of them, inside of us. God can fill us with that peace when we come unto him. I am so grateful for a loving, bountiful God

Then: that ye may abound in hope.  Abound! What a powerful word. Abound in hope. Hope for eternal salvation. Hope for a better future. Hope that surrounds us and lifts us up. I just revel in the word abound.

Lastly: through the power of the Holy Ghost.  Hope through the power of the Holy Ghost.  As we live worthy to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, as we seek our Father in prayer, the Holy Ghost will fill us with hope. What a beautiful plan!

Have a wonderful Tuesday. Linking up with Jen.

So Blessed, and Yet

I have so many reasons to be grateful, for I am so blessed. I have a wonderful, loving family immediate and extended. I have great great friends who lift me up and inspire me. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, his restored truths, in my life.  I have a warm bed to sleep in, a working car, a working computer,  food to eat.

 And yet, I feel so empty sometimes. So alone. So broken. I know God can and will heal all, in his timing, I just feel so lost, so empty. I don't think it is too ungrateful to admit that for I believe that sometimes the Lord strengthens us as we suffer instead of taking away the suffering. Losing the companionship of marriage will leave a hole. It is so different being single now compared to being single before. Now I am really truly know what I am missing, and feel it so acutely at times. Maybe it wasn't a perfect marriage, but it was mine and I miss it, him...

 I am also willing to admit that I am scared to let go of the pain. Still scared of just being empty if the pain isn't there. Or that it is wrong not to still hurt. To borrow a term from my knowledge of psychology, I feel this cognitive dissonance, two conflicting beliefs warring within me. One says that I will heal and move on, one saying  how dare you give up on your marriage. But my marriage is over, and I must heal. Yet saying that doesn't heal the dissonance. Or the loneliness.

I believe that God will bless me: He will support me through this, strengthening me to bear my burdens with ease, and submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord (Mosiah 24:15); He will bless me with another, lasting, marriage, when the timing is right. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore, will I hope in him. (Lamentations 3:24)