Perspective

I got some unwanted perspective inserted into my pity party today.

So as the court date for my divorce draws near, there is more and more contact with my ex-husband, and it is ripping me apart all over again. Then my car does not pass state inspection and has to go back to the dealership for some repairs, leaving me out a car three days instead of one. I am just one unhappy camper.

I decide I am gonna buy headphones because I was planning on replacing my slightly broken ones anyways and I couldn't go one more minute without music. And it hits me that I can just spring for $10 headphones, no problem. I can buy food whenever I need it. I have a job that pays me enough to live on and own a car. I am so blessed...when all I wanted to do was throw a pity party.

I have a life that is stable, when my sister's life plans just got tossed into the air; I have a car, when if my brother doesn't get one, he has to choose between work and school.  More perspective. That I just didn't want.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who blesses me so abundantly. Even when all seems to be going wrong, He is in the midst of it all, He is before me and behind me. And He understands that divorce hurts bad, and that the loss of my car is about feeling like a burden, not just being inconvenienced. He understands, but He doesn't let me wallow. He is a wise, merciful God and I am so blessed to be secure in the knowledge that I am his daughter.

Happy Tuesday, SDG sisters!

Finding Satisfaction.

I am happy with parts of my life, and a little less than content with other parts, and wholly unsatisfied with others. I like my job, I love that I bought a car last Saturday. I like the friends I have made in this area and the time I get to spend with my best friends. I am ok living with my aunt, I would rather have a place of my own, but my bedroom here is pretty sweet, so that's ok... I hate being single, I hate not having someone to sleep next to, to come home to. But it is just not the right time for that. I have so so much healing and recovering to do before I am whole enough to date again, let alone court and marry someone.

And maybe part of being whole again is being a little more satisfied with single life, with being alone. Being ok being by myself, enjoying it a little even. I do sometimes, and other times I just ache to be held. It's a hard hard thing after having been married to go without it again. Is it even possible to get back to loving single life? I never missed sleeping next to someone or coming home to someone before, obviously, but I never did like being single much. Maybe I need to learn how to do that at all.

The best part of my life has always been and will remain to be having the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. My membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is my whole life. I am completed by the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me and that He sent us a prophet at this time to guide us. I truly believe that the best way to find all around contentment in my life is to cling to my faith and trust that God has a plan.

Hope y'all can follow the rambling path of this post...

So D**** Lost

(Back twice in one day!!!!) I was out tonight with some friends. We saw The Help, which was incredible, by the way. So funny, so sad, so powerful!!

After the movie, we drove home and first we dropped off the two sisters, which just left me with my best guy friend, someone I have known my whole life. We got to talking and my divorce came up, as it often does. He brought up a conversation he had with another old friend of ours, who I saw for the first time in several years this past Saturday. How I was unusally clingy, I guess, for not having seen him in some time. My friend (the one in the car with me) brought this up because I have been clingier with him this summer too. He was cautioning me to give myself time to regroup and really be myself before dating again, so I don't put myself in a situation with someone who isn't as good as these two guys, someone who could take advantage of my clinginess. What truth is in his words, no matter how much it hurts. 

I didn't even realize I had seemed not myself to the other guy at the dance. I was just comfortable around him, which was nice because I wasn't comfortable being myself around my ex-husband for the last part of our marriage. I keep doing this and I hate that I make these people feel awkard. It is never my intent.

I just truly hate being alone. I like feeling independent, though, and I think I just need to focus on that for a while. As my mom has always taught me and my sister, the best thing you can bring to a marriage is a complete self. So I have to realize that I am still fragmented, and need to put myself back together before I can give my heart away again.

What a dark, lonely year this has seemed to be, and the healing process seems far from over. I am so grateful for my God, who has never let me be completely alone, who has been with me so completely, as I heal, and who continues to heal me daily. Who loved me enough to suffer all that he might know body and soul what this feels like (Alma 7:11-13)

Extra prayers would be welcome right now!

Time Flies!

How is it already more than halfway through August????? I can't believe how fast time has flown by me lately. I have been busy with work and church and friends. I have also been busy dealing with stupid insurance companies after I was in an accident that totaled my car. Sad times. But I am physically fine, no harm done there. I am hoping to buy a car today, actually.

I miss blogging. I haven't felt the urge to blog like I used to. I just have been so busy. I also was without a computer for a good little while. But I bought a new one for a super good price and am being super duper nice to it! (I have this tendency to kill any and all electronics I touch....yeah..I think it may be genetic actually). I hope to get back into this, but I say that every time. Let's set a goal, put it in writing, to blog every Saturday morning, and go from there.

I am almost divorced, the papers are all signed and at the courthouse, all we are waiting on is a court date. Finally. Most days I am ok, some I still feel like screaming. And oh how easy it is to get lost in a memory. But I know that it had to go this way, and am glad to almost be single again. My friends are gonna throw me a welcome back to single life party afterward. Hehe.

So that's my summer, plus a beach trip or two, plus a trip to a LDS church historical place or two in Palmyra, NY. I also am writing a few LDS missionaries, my friend Matthew (sweetest kid ever!) and my lovely cousin Forreste. I love getting mail!

Oh,  and I am a ward pianist for a Spanish-speaking LDS ward in the area. They have not a soul in their ward who can play, due to differences in cultural importance of musical talents. So I have been playing piano during three hours of church,Sacrament Meeting (the main meeting), Primary (the children's meeting), and Relief Society (the women's meeting). Luckily I love the piano. And its a great way to brush up on my super rusty not so fluent Spanish.

Happy weekend, y'all!

Can't Win For Losing

Beware the depressed tone of this post. I have a great job and a busy life, but sometimes it feels like the center is a spinning black hole. I have God, and I would be so lost without the grace provided by my Savior. But I miss having a someone to rely on. A person who is my world and I am theirs. I had a false start this weekend, false partly because I am still married for another like month and a half, and the guy is one of the most honorable men I know.

 I hate all these false starts and missed opportunites. They sting so so much!

Also, I hang out with this great group of singles. But I get left to the side of all the flirting and the pairing off. I hate that also. It is just so hard some days to be stuck in this no man's land of life right before divorce. It is killing me. It is almost over, thanks be to God, but it can't seem to end soon enough. Apparently, I have yet to learn patience.

I just have to keep reminding myself, that when the time is right, it will happen. I just hate all the missed opportunities in the meanwhile. They are supposed to be missed, but they are still mourned for all the good qualities each man I walk away from has. Ohhhhh , ohhh, ohh.

Someone save me!!!

Go Go Go

Ever since I moved up here for my job, I have been going going going. I go to work 5 times a week, and then I have lots of activities. This week I have not been home much at all. I had church activities Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.  Thursday I went to the movies with my cousins. Tonight I have a party to go to and tomorrow my family is going to Antietam Battlefield for picnicing, a concert, and, of course, fireworks.

I love this. I love being on the go, and being with friends and family. I don't think my ex would even recognize this side of me, since when we were married, I had no license and was pratically trapped in the house. (Don't get me wrong, that was never his intention, he was not even that abusive. I just had never gotten a license and we ended up in an area without public transportation). They say the best revenge is living well!

So I am off to enjoy my busyness, and hopefully not lose my voice completely (its cracking like crazy right now).

Headache Ramblings

I went to a Church class tonight. I love having a weekly scripture study class to attend. Down at my mom's I went on Thursdays, up here it is Tuesdays. Whatever day, it always brightens my week.

Tonight I have a massive headache and after class ended  I was a little wobbly on my feet. The teacher suggested I find someone to help me get home. So one of my friends drove my car home and his sister followed us in their car. It was so very very nice of them, especially since I need my car in the morning. Oh how I hope this headache is gone by then.

I really miss blogging. I miss the insights that come from writing out my thoughts. I miss the catharsis, too. Hopefully, I can fit it back into my schedule now that I am getting into the groove of this working thang. Which I happen to like a lot. I like the job I have, I like my co-workers, and the whole paycheck thing is pretty nice too.

Soon, but not soon enough, my divorce will be final, probably not until September at this point. I am so ready to get on with my life. It is happening very slowly, though. I'm postive, however, that God is in control, and is working behind the scenes to make it all perfect. He's a great God, my God. :)  (See, insights from writing!) Timing is God's speciality, and He will show me the reason for all this waiting someday.

Ok, I must sleep now. Goodnight, all!