I have so many reasons to be grateful, for I am so blessed. I have a wonderful, loving family immediate and extended. I have great great friends who lift me up and inspire me. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, his restored truths, in my life. I have a warm bed to sleep in, a working car, a working computer, food to eat.
And yet, I feel so empty sometimes. So alone. So broken. I know God can and will heal all, in his timing, I just feel so lost, so empty. I don't think it is too ungrateful to admit that for I believe that sometimes the Lord strengthens us as we suffer instead of taking away the suffering. Losing the companionship of marriage will leave a hole. It is so different being single now compared to being single before. Now I am really truly know what I am missing, and feel it so acutely at times. Maybe it wasn't a perfect marriage, but it was mine and I miss it, him...
I am also willing to admit that I am scared to let go of the pain. Still scared of just being empty if the pain isn't there. Or that it is wrong not to still hurt. To borrow a term from my knowledge of psychology, I feel this cognitive dissonance, two conflicting beliefs warring within me. One says that I will heal and move on, one saying how dare you give up on your marriage. But my marriage is over, and I must heal. Yet saying that doesn't heal the dissonance. Or the loneliness.
I believe that God will bless me: He will support me through this, strengthening me to bear my burdens with ease, and submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord (Mosiah 24:15); He will bless me with another, lasting, marriage, when the timing is right. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore, will I hope in him. (Lamentations 3:24)
Oh girly, you are much stronger than you know. You are noticing so many good things, and the more you take time to notice, the more you find. Happy Sunday! I hope prayers are answered and blessings are found today.
ReplyDeleteI have so been there girl, afraid to let go of the pain, and being surrounded by so many but still feeling alone. I went and heard Sheila Walsh yesterday, and so much that she was saying felt like it was speaking to me. She asked a lot of questions about "who are you" and it really challenged me to really find out who I am rather than chasing to be someone else. She also said she looks in the mirror every morning and says "which girl does Jesus love" and then puts her hand on her face and says "this girl". Which girl does Jesus love? Rachy :) He loves His Rachy.
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