Struggling to Find My Way to Coherent

I have been trying for a couple of days now to write a coherent post to share all that is going through my mind. I wanted to write a post to introduce myself a little more. I wanted to explain why I chose hope. I wanted to share the way my divorce pulls my heart into a thousand pieces time and time and time again. Yet I cannot string together a decent post no matter how hard I try. And I usually am pretty good at writing.

To introduce myself, I will say that I like to be honest about my struggles, about my life. My name is Rachel, I am almost 23 years old. I am the oldest of 7, counting my 3 biological siblings and my 3 step-siblings and me. I have three great parents, my mom, my dad, and my step-mom. My parents divorced when I was about 15, and now a little less than 10 years later, I am going through my own divorce. If I had the chance to write a letter to me at 13, I wouldn't. At least not until I have some more positive stuff to say. Oh hey, hon, your parents are about to divorce, and in 10 years, you'll be going through your own. Oh, and you did graduate from college. Yeah, that is not a big enough achievement to overshadow all the negative, not to a 13-year-old at least, who can barely breathe through all the new hormones in her system.

So, that's why I chose hope, because I have to have hope that my life will get better, or I might just go crazy. I do have a wonderful family, and I do love my dad's new family, I am basically recovered from my parents divorce; I have Christ in my life through my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; I am a college grad. I have a lot going for me, and I don't forget that. But the pain of a divorce is monumental, and overwhelming some days.  But I do truly have hope that my afflictions shall be but a small moment (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7)

Was this maybe too honest, too raw? You tell me. Tomorrow, I'll post 5 fun facts about me to lighten the mood.

My Feelings towards the US Military (a reflection I wanted to share)

I was (still sort of am) a Navy wife. It was an honor to me. I loved supporting our military in that way. I am so proud of the men and women who serve our country in Navy, Army, Air Force, Marine Corps, and the Coast Guard. I am very aware of the sacrifices they and their families make to keep our nation safe and am so so so grateful for their service. 

I am especially proud of my little sister, who will be commissioned as an Army officer in about a year and a half. She still hasn’t decided whether or not she’ll be going the route of active duty, but regardless of the path she takes, it’s a wonderful thing she’s doing.  And yet, I’ll still always hold the Navy a little higher in my esteem than the Army, or any other branch. I got closer to the workings of the Navy, I guess.  

To wrap this post up in one sentence, I still get choked up thinking about the men and women serving in our military and all they do for us at the cost of time with their families and what we consider a normal life. That normal life that we owe to their sacrifices.  Thank you. 

Defining

I am truly inspired by how much of a community One Word 2011 has become.  Honestly, I just like linking up for the connection it gives me to other bloggers, and hey, I get more hits on my blog. I realize, though, I read through my comments, that people are now looking to me for what I have to say about hope. It’s like having an accountability partner, and I like that. I like that I am being held to the commitment to embrace this theme of hope in my life. Beause living with hope sounds like a wonderful idea. Especially if my hope is anchored in my Savior.

So I decided to look up some definitions for the word hope. I went to dictionary.com and found this:

–noun

1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that eventswill turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is littleor no hope of his recovery.

4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: Themedicine was her last hope.

5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constanthope.

–verb (used with object)

6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will besatisfactory.

–verb (used without object)

8.to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for anearly spring.

9.Archaic . to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in ).

I really like 4, 6, and 9. These are definitions of a more solid hope, the kind of hope I want to have. Trust in God, with a more than reasonable confidence that I can rely on Him. I have always believed that I am strong in my faith and commitment to God, but feel that really learning to center my hope in Him this year, I will draw even closer to him than before. 

US Postal Service - Creepy Clown Doll Commercial - HD

I already posted today, but I have to share this commercial. It makes me laugh every time. Oh, yeah, that's gotta go!

Something New

Something new in 2011. The challenge to share what kind of newness I have planned comes from one of my favorite inspirational blogs, (in)courage. Well, I'll be honest. I don't know what's in store for me.  I'm feeling kinda lost right now. 2010 was a rather hard year, what with the end of my marriage...well part of me still hopes my marriage is salvageable, but most of me knows it's not...Excuse the ramble. Suffice to say, I am really floundering, jobless, soon-to-be divorced, and a little purposeless.

But hey, I graduated from college last year, so that was good, a big achievement! I have a BS in Psychology, and I think one new thing I will do this year is to get certified as a psychiatric technician. That will open all sorts of new doors for me as I hunt for a job. Other new things: well I hope to have a car very soon, my first car. That will be new and exciting.

But no real focus yet. I am looking hard for focus, praying hard that God has something marvelous and new in store that I just can't see yet. I look forward to whatever newness 2011 will bring with my hope firmly centered in my Savior. Bring on the new!

Hope

A lot of bloggers are choosing one word for 2011. I have to say one word is easier and less intimidating than making several resolutions. With one word, you can apply it to all things without straining to define goals so exactly.

I have chosen the word HOPE. Hope for a better future. Hope in God's promises.  We hope all things...we hope to be able to endure all things (Article of Faith 13).  Being hopeful and looking to the future instead of being downcast about all that may have gone wrong last year.

To me, hope is not just a wishy-washy word: "Oh, I hope so" Hope is a strong word, like faith: I hope in God for a better life, a better year.

I picked this word before the New Year, I just hadn't taken the time to blog about it yet. And now as I reflect on some things that have happened in the short 7 days since the year began, it is a very apt word for me to have chosen. It fits oh so well.  Hope. Hope that things will work out for good.  Here's to a hope-filled 2011.

Hurting Again

I hate that I fall into the divorced category. I hate it so much. I feel marked, even though I know its not my fault, that it wasn't my choice. I remind myself of something one of my friends said a few weeks back, that in the end, this won't matter, it won't be what I'm remembered as, that when I'm happily married again, no one will think of me as divorced.

I was reflecting on all this, and how my divorce does not affect my self-worth when I remembered something an older relative said to me at a family reunion several years ago. He told me that I am loved, wanted, and needed. That hasn't changed. I've got to remember that, remember that I am a beloved daughter of God, whose worth is infinite. It's just a little hard sometimes.