Countdowns

In long distance relationships, countdowns are big. I remember counting down the days until I'd see my love again, sometimes starting at a number as big as 7 months. It was always so sweet to see him again after long long waits. 

Now I'm facing a very different countdown. I have been counting down to our divorce date. 6 sleeps, 5 days. It is so very bittersweet. I hate that it went this way, that it had to end. But have to end it did. He just wasted every chance I gave him, about 4 in all. A very valiant effort, as my cousin said lately. And now it's over. And I will be glad to be free to move on with my life. 

Oh, beautiful boy, how we crashed and burned. Love you, still, but you can't have my heart anymore... And sometimes, I think I'm in love only with who I thought he was...but no, I loved him, faults and all. 

Here comes goodbye, and hello to the rest of my life. 

found at weheartit

I love this image, I love the excitement on her face, the light coming from the box. The words say just what is in my heart. Yes, I have been through something horrible, but it will not make me bitter. I do believe in love and marriage; I am open to the blessings that the Lord will pour out upon me as I seek His face. I have been so abundantly blessed by the Lord as my divorce has unfolded that I just know He has something AMAZING waiting for me when the time is right. He is already blessing me with amazing opportunities and friends each and every day that passes.

My testimony that marriage is ordained by God has not been strangled by my divorce, thanks in part to a wonderful friend who asked me to look on the bright side. I know that marriage is a part of God's plan for us, that we learn things in marriage that we couldn't learn anywhere else. I also believe that those faithful men and women who do not find someone to share their lives with here on earth will be given that chance in the next life; because I believe that marriage is not just for this life, but for time and all eternity. I am so grateful to have the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in my life to teach me such beautiful doctrines. 

God is ever faithful, friends, He loves His children with an all-consuming love, and He will never leave us comfortless. All things we go through give us experience, and He will bless us as long as we ever seek Him.

September Already!!

Wow, I can't believe that summer 2011 is pretty much over. It was a pretty good summer. I settled into a job that I love, and made some great new friends. I found some new freedom, and faced some hearty challenges, too.

One more month and my divorce should be final. I am so glad it is almost over, and hate that my marriage is almost over. I hate that it ended this way, but knew it could go no other way. So I am relieved to almost be free to go on and make the rest of my life beautiful with God still and always in my corner. My hope in a better future is bright!

My goal for this fall is to establish some real financial security and to grow closer to God. I have set smaller goals to help me accomplish each.

I also need to work on my control issues and my impatience. My car troubles continue,  the glitches with my used car that I just bought keep piling up. I was crying in frustration today. I just want my car!!!! I must really need patience for something in the future, because it feels like it is being tested to its limits these days.

What are your fall goals?

Perspective

I got some unwanted perspective inserted into my pity party today.

So as the court date for my divorce draws near, there is more and more contact with my ex-husband, and it is ripping me apart all over again. Then my car does not pass state inspection and has to go back to the dealership for some repairs, leaving me out a car three days instead of one. I am just one unhappy camper.

I decide I am gonna buy headphones because I was planning on replacing my slightly broken ones anyways and I couldn't go one more minute without music. And it hits me that I can just spring for $10 headphones, no problem. I can buy food whenever I need it. I have a job that pays me enough to live on and own a car. I am so blessed...when all I wanted to do was throw a pity party.

I have a life that is stable, when my sister's life plans just got tossed into the air; I have a car, when if my brother doesn't get one, he has to choose between work and school.  More perspective. That I just didn't want.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who blesses me so abundantly. Even when all seems to be going wrong, He is in the midst of it all, He is before me and behind me. And He understands that divorce hurts bad, and that the loss of my car is about feeling like a burden, not just being inconvenienced. He understands, but He doesn't let me wallow. He is a wise, merciful God and I am so blessed to be secure in the knowledge that I am his daughter.

Happy Tuesday, SDG sisters!

Finding Satisfaction.

I am happy with parts of my life, and a little less than content with other parts, and wholly unsatisfied with others. I like my job, I love that I bought a car last Saturday. I like the friends I have made in this area and the time I get to spend with my best friends. I am ok living with my aunt, I would rather have a place of my own, but my bedroom here is pretty sweet, so that's ok... I hate being single, I hate not having someone to sleep next to, to come home to. But it is just not the right time for that. I have so so much healing and recovering to do before I am whole enough to date again, let alone court and marry someone.

And maybe part of being whole again is being a little more satisfied with single life, with being alone. Being ok being by myself, enjoying it a little even. I do sometimes, and other times I just ache to be held. It's a hard hard thing after having been married to go without it again. Is it even possible to get back to loving single life? I never missed sleeping next to someone or coming home to someone before, obviously, but I never did like being single much. Maybe I need to learn how to do that at all.

The best part of my life has always been and will remain to be having the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. My membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is my whole life. I am completed by the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me and that He sent us a prophet at this time to guide us. I truly believe that the best way to find all around contentment in my life is to cling to my faith and trust that God has a plan.

Hope y'all can follow the rambling path of this post...

So D**** Lost

(Back twice in one day!!!!) I was out tonight with some friends. We saw The Help, which was incredible, by the way. So funny, so sad, so powerful!!

After the movie, we drove home and first we dropped off the two sisters, which just left me with my best guy friend, someone I have known my whole life. We got to talking and my divorce came up, as it often does. He brought up a conversation he had with another old friend of ours, who I saw for the first time in several years this past Saturday. How I was unusally clingy, I guess, for not having seen him in some time. My friend (the one in the car with me) brought this up because I have been clingier with him this summer too. He was cautioning me to give myself time to regroup and really be myself before dating again, so I don't put myself in a situation with someone who isn't as good as these two guys, someone who could take advantage of my clinginess. What truth is in his words, no matter how much it hurts. 

I didn't even realize I had seemed not myself to the other guy at the dance. I was just comfortable around him, which was nice because I wasn't comfortable being myself around my ex-husband for the last part of our marriage. I keep doing this and I hate that I make these people feel awkard. It is never my intent.

I just truly hate being alone. I like feeling independent, though, and I think I just need to focus on that for a while. As my mom has always taught me and my sister, the best thing you can bring to a marriage is a complete self. So I have to realize that I am still fragmented, and need to put myself back together before I can give my heart away again.

What a dark, lonely year this has seemed to be, and the healing process seems far from over. I am so grateful for my God, who has never let me be completely alone, who has been with me so completely, as I heal, and who continues to heal me daily. Who loved me enough to suffer all that he might know body and soul what this feels like (Alma 7:11-13)

Extra prayers would be welcome right now!

Time Flies!

How is it already more than halfway through August????? I can't believe how fast time has flown by me lately. I have been busy with work and church and friends. I have also been busy dealing with stupid insurance companies after I was in an accident that totaled my car. Sad times. But I am physically fine, no harm done there. I am hoping to buy a car today, actually.

I miss blogging. I haven't felt the urge to blog like I used to. I just have been so busy. I also was without a computer for a good little while. But I bought a new one for a super good price and am being super duper nice to it! (I have this tendency to kill any and all electronics I touch....yeah..I think it may be genetic actually). I hope to get back into this, but I say that every time. Let's set a goal, put it in writing, to blog every Saturday morning, and go from there.

I am almost divorced, the papers are all signed and at the courthouse, all we are waiting on is a court date. Finally. Most days I am ok, some I still feel like screaming. And oh how easy it is to get lost in a memory. But I know that it had to go this way, and am glad to almost be single again. My friends are gonna throw me a welcome back to single life party afterward. Hehe.

So that's my summer, plus a beach trip or two, plus a trip to a LDS church historical place or two in Palmyra, NY. I also am writing a few LDS missionaries, my friend Matthew (sweetest kid ever!) and my lovely cousin Forreste. I love getting mail!

Oh,  and I am a ward pianist for a Spanish-speaking LDS ward in the area. They have not a soul in their ward who can play, due to differences in cultural importance of musical talents. So I have been playing piano during three hours of church,Sacrament Meeting (the main meeting), Primary (the children's meeting), and Relief Society (the women's meeting). Luckily I love the piano. And its a great way to brush up on my super rusty not so fluent Spanish.

Happy weekend, y'all!