Frustration and Focus

Some days I feel so frustrated with how stagnant my life seems. I'm a jobless bum who just sits around. I don't really have a raging social life, either (well, I did just spend a whole week with my friend...) I just feel rudderless at times. Bored, too. I don't get out enough, help others enough (ok, so I did just do some major babysitting for my friend last weekend...) I need to get some serious perspective, oh, yeah, and a JOB!

Also part of the frustration comes from the lack of ability to get my focus off of the slightly stupid idea of wanting to "come in out the cold" of single life. I just don't like being single, which might be bad... The tricky part is I'm not truly single yet; my divorce won't be final for a good while and I don't feel right dating until it is. Yet I want to date. I know I need to not focus/fixate on this.... I need to enjoy being single...whatever that means. I hate the line "Use this time to get to know yourself again" Um, I was married, not brainwashed...I am a confident 22, nearly 23, year-old woman and I know myself fairly well, maybe even better after being married. I need some advice on how to be single, I guess. HELP!

This was a just a rant post, thanks for putting up with my crazy, focus-less self

Promises

I have still have Promise me you will always remember: You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think  written on my mirror. At first, I just really liked the message; now it is a reminder of a promise I made to a friend last week to never  give up, never stop believing, to be strong. That promise is holding me together right now when all I want to do is throw in the towel.

 I was doing pretty well lately, but old emotions have been stirred up again, and I am just heavy-hearted. It's even more than just the significant thing that happened last week, it's stirring up memories of my marriage by seeing a box of my stuff, by reading a harmless book. I just want to heal, I also wish my marriage hadn't died, I want it back sooo bad some days. I really am doing ok, but I still hurt so bad sometimes.

I really truly feel like the promise my friend had me make is my glue until I am closer to ok again. I'm thankful for small mercies such as this one.

edit: while I do believe that the promise I'm clinging to was a grace from God, I have to remember that I should cling to God first and foremost. I was reminded of this while listening to the song Everything Falls from Fee:
When everything falls apart Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart You're the only hope for this heart.

Late Nights

Something significant happened this past week, something private, something a little painful, and its got me staying up late at night because I'm a little tangled up again. I don't know quite how to put it away, back on the shelf really, so I can sleep o' nights again.  Oh, life. Life, life, crazy, mixed up life.

But I am grateful for my wonderful friends, who always help to put a postive spin on my life. I wouldn't make it through without them, or God, and I think God sends me, all of us, friends to be there when he can't.

So, thanks for putting up with the ramblings of a gal up at 2:30 am. I just felt the need to write it out a little.

Christmas Joys

So, it was way too late Thursday night when I got home to blog, so I decide to just tally all the joys and just blog today; Merry Christmas everyone!

So joys starting with early, early Thursday morning:

66) Catching up with a true friend who sincerely cares about me via a sweet, albeit late night, phone call. 

67) Finding candy in my knee-high boots. I hung them up on the shelves at my friend's house to try and keep them from getting covered in dog hair. They were hanging near the stockings, and as a joke, someone put candy in them as if they were stockings. I discovered it whilst trying to put the boots on. 

68) My friend, whom I spent most of the week with at her house, and I went with her mother to visit an elderly friend of the mother's. She is this sweet German woman who I knew in my childhood. She was so sweet, with her old-country hospitality tradition of giving gifts of food to her visitors, in this case a bag and a jar of cookies.

69) After that, we went to the area's LDS bookstore, where we ran into an old youth leader of my friend's and mine. She was there with her daughter, who has grown so much. It was a true joy to see her again, it's been a few years.

70) After returning home, I got a cheeseburger for lunch, exactly what I had been craving. Yum.

71) Then we watched a cute re-make of Ice Castles. Cute movie.

72) I was feeling a little low, I still deal with a little depression every now and then, but my friend had some really great new perspectives on my situation.

73) Then she did my hair up all pretty :)

74) I went with her and her family to their Writer's Group Christmas pot-luck. I got to see a few old friends there, and overall the gathering was a lot of fun. 

Then I went to my Thursday church class, where I found a lot of joys. 

75) Again I ran into old friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love that part about the Christmas season. 

76) My cousin was there, and gave me one of her amazing hugs. I needed hugs. 

77) I love my new friend K, she is such a cutie. She has dubbed herself  my best friend :) One of them, sure.

78) She said the funniest things that night after class. One was that she's around, I'm not allowed to be sad.

79) She also said, "Look at my socks, they'll make you happy" They were cute pink argyle socks.

80) And my favorite was in the middle of a totally unrelated conversation, she randomly said " My tree has no topper" (as in her Christmas tree). It was too funny, because it was sooo random.

81) After class, there are continuous games of volleyball until midnight. I love watching and playing. 

82) My friend, G, was there. He is a big guy, and he is so funny to watch when he's playing volleyball, especially his angst when he misses the ball or hits it too hard. Also funny was watching him laugh so hard he could barely breathe.

83) Watching another guy friend shake his butt to a song as a distraction technique on the volleyball court. LOL

84) I also love the music playing while volleyball is played. I love music and dancing!

85) After class, I was so excited to be HOME after a whole week away due to various factors. I was so glad to see my bed, even my remote control. It was silly and wonderful.

86) I got to put some ornaments on the tree when I got home. I loved that.

87) I LOVE the smell of a live pine Christmas tree. Mmmm.

88) I brought home my mother' gift and placed it under the tree, she was excited. 

89) I loved being home with my family on Christmas Eve.

90) Especially watching my brother's antics about his presents. He was too funny, as were his crazy hiccups.

91) I found an extra left corrective vision contact I didn't think I had.  YAY

92) We went to my aunt's home for Christmas Eve pizza. Yum

93) I got to help make the pizza. :)

94) She gave us both versions of the Parent Trap on DVD for Christmas. I'm excited. 

95) We watched White Christmas and Miracle on 34th St on AMC. Its not Christmas without the classic movies.

Let's cut to Christmas morning and wrap up this 100 lists. I really did find 100 joys before Christmas, it's truly an answer to prayer, its been a great journey. 

96) I made sure Mom opened her gifts first. We got her pots and pans, which she was very grateful to get.

97) I got some great stuff, the promise of clothes money in the form of a wooden paper doll, some nice smelling shower stuff, cute pajamas, and a foam gingerbread house as a joke in reference to our failed attempt at gingerbread house.  I colored the doll and her extra clothes, and made the gingerbread house ;)

98) Sitting around together after opening gifts has always been one of my favorite parts of Christmas.

99) We had a traditional Christmas dinner together, ham, green bean casserole, yams with marshmallows, rolls, and corn. We set the table pretty and sat down to eat :)

100) I am again, so happy to have a Savior who was born in Bethelem, come to save us all. M

Merry Christmas to all. Thank you, once more, Sarah, for this wonderful challenge that filled my Christmas season with a little extra joy.  

Late Evening Joys

I thought about editing this in to the last post, but believe that it deserves its own post.

64) I took a moment, while my friend is talking to her parents for the moment, to pray and draw near to God. Visiting friends, especially staying over, usually means my usual time spent worshiping and seeking God gets set aside. So it was so nice to have a moment to really, truly pray, pouring my heart out until I felt the peace of God wash over me.

65) I am so grateful for my Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ who came to save us all. I love a Book of Mormon scripture that says we are to rely wholly (or completely) on the merits of him who is mighty to save (2 Nephi 31:19). I am so thankful for His atoning sacrifice that makes it possible for me to commune with God, to live more abundantly (John 10:10), and to return to live with my Father in Heaven once more.

There are my more spiritual joys of the week so far. I have been challenged by the friend who I am visiting with to find the remaining 35 joys in the next three days. So I am going to be praying hard to see joy all around me. Here goes.

Joys Day 9

So today was a little slower but here are a few things. I am still staying at my friend's house right now, planning to make it home by Christmas Eve.

57) Eggs and sausage for breakfast. That's two hot breakfasts in a row; usually I just skip breakfast so this has been a real treat. I am loving this.

58) I played Christmas elf again today. I love Christmas time.

59) My friend's sister and I played with the sound cards in the grocery store. I love greeting cards.


60)I got to take a nap after shopping. It was a nice reprieve from all the people. And the bed I napped in had these awesome fleece sheets.

61) Hearing all about my friends' blossoming relationship. I'm excited to see where this might take them.

62) Playing In A Pickle with my friends. It's a fun game with words.

63) While playing we listened to my Christmas playlist full of religious songs. I love intentionally inviting the Holy Ghost into my heart.

So yeah, slow day. I am stillll at my friend's house. This is how visiting works when you don't have a car/live kinda far away.  We are going to the movies tomorrow, then after my church class tomorrow I will make it home with another friend who lives in my own town.

Joy Day 8

So I'm still chugging along in this challenge.

49)  French Toast for breakfast! My best friend whose house I am staying at asked this morning if we wanted French toast or oatmeal. That was an obvious answer.

50) Talking up a storm after breakfast. It was good to catch up with both friends.


51) We took a long walk with the dog. It was a brisk day, but definitely warmer than yesterday. That alone made me happy.

52) Thinking up the birthday present for our best friend/other best friend's boyfriend. We gave him play doh in different gift bags with a puzzle note. We got such a kick out of putting it together.

53) Going to the birthday party. It was a fun party, we had pizza, played Apples to Apples, and watched Murder by Death. What a funny movie.

54) Another old friend I haven't seen in a long while was at the party with his fiancée. It was so good to see him and meet her.

55) I played Christmas elf. I have to leave it at that for now.

56) Hanging out late at night after the party. With my ... friend. LOL


My life is a mess, let me tell ya, but its good.